FINALLY!

It looks like Granny is out of the woods for now. She's not good, mind you, her condition is just not as dire as we initially believed. Thank you everyone, for all of your well wishes, they've meant so much to me.

Just a disclaimer, you'll have to forgive how disjointed this all may sound, I've been working on this damn post off and on all freakin' week, whenever I could sneak in the chance. So things are a bit jumbled, but I tried to make it as coherent as possible.

Okay, now on to the juice!!

OMeffingG, I'M OUT!!! I can't hardly believe it, and to tell the truth, I don't think it's really even sunk in yet. I mean, I'm sitting her in my own little place, doing whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want, and I'm not tiptoeing around worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing, or dreading the next long drawn out topic of conversation. I'm free, and OMG, I'm lovin it! How the hell did I get to this point? A year ago, I thought there was no possible way, no hope for the future and no hope for myself or Em. Now... good lord, now what am I gonna do? I honestly can't even imagine.

So how'd he take it, you ask? Surprisingly, unbelievably, unexpectedly well, after the initial shock that is. I didn't keep up my no-contact rule cause I didn't feel the need for it after a few real honest emails from him and a tentative first phone call. I've also seen him, and so has Em, and she's even spent time with him visiting. He's not gonna try to fight for custody or extended visitation, and he isn't gonna do anything stupid like quit his job or kill himself because he knows that if he has any hope of remaining an integral part of Em's life, he'll have to remain looking like an acceptable member of society. I can tell you that I am completely confident that he's not gonna try to snatch her cause he realizes that such a thing would only work against him, and he says he knows that a girl needs her mommy and has no intention of trying to get custody or even joint physical custody, although he does want joint custody with me having physical custody. Which I'm willing to do as long as he keeps behaving the way he has been, by actually trying to change for the better for Em's sake. Honestly, this whole thing really shook him to his core, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to remain in her life. He knows that issues between the two of them are one of the driving forces in my decision to do this, but he doesn't know exactly what yet. But he's completely willing to see what the counselor has to say about the amount of time Em should spend with him and wants to know what the problems are so that he can work to correct them, which includes going to counseling himself, as well as family counseling if I wish. Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I'm so glad I did it this way, otherwise he would have never been open to the idea that there was something he needed to work on. If this is what it was gonna take for him to do a little self-examination, then so be it! Em is pleased as punch too, cause as for now she finally has the nice, fun daddy she's always dreamt of. And I know it may be short lived, but at least for now, I want her to enjoy it as much as possible.

So, here's the lowdown of moving day. Thursday evening I knew Bub wasn't feeling well, and when I was finally able to get him up and going Friday morning, he mentioned that he would probably call me to pick him up early and the only reason he was going to work that day is because there were some things that he just had to do, otherwise he wouldn't have gone at all. Ug. As soon as I got home I called my brother and they were on their way, although running a bit late, aack! But I told him what Bub said, so they understood the urgency and came as quickly as possible. My brother got there ahead of my SIL (separate cars) and when he asked where we should start, I just kinda had myself a little breakdown. Like, OMG, I'm really about to move all of our shit out of this house, for real, no turning back, this is it, OMeffingG, WTF am I doing, seriously? I took a few minutes to sob in the bathroom and then I tried to pull myself together as much as possible when I heard my SIL arrive. Then we got moving! Throwing shit in boxes and loading up furniture onto the trailer attached to my brother's truck. I guess it took about four hours in all, and we got almost everything in one load. Then, about 1:30-2:00 Bub called asking what time I pick Em up from school and if I could pick him up right afterwards. Luckily I knew we were almost finished so I just said no problem and got back to work. After all was said and done, I went ahead and took Em out of school a bit early, just to be sure, and then I called him. Yup, you read that correctly, I called him. My brother convinced me that I needed to be the one to tell him so my intentions would be clear, plus, that way he could worry about finding his own damn ride home! So I called him and I told him that he would need to find a ride home. He asked why and I said because I moved out today. He said, WHAT! I said, I moved out, Em's with me and we're safe and that's all there is to it, and I fucking hung up on him! Something I've always wished I could do, yet never dared to. He tried to call back, of course, but I didn't answer, and that was that, then it was out of my hands.

Can you even freakin' believe that?!!!

OMG, anyway, after that, I called my MIL just to let her know what was going on and to make sure she knew that I would never try to keep Em from her, not knowing yet what Bub might say about me or do, y'know? She was, of course, very upset, but also said that if that's what I felt I had to do then so be it. So I'm making sure to keep her very much in the loop so she doesn't feel like she's losing her granddaughter.

Then, later that evening, we went out to grab a bite to eat with my SIL, and Em asked if she could give Bub a call because I told her (and him) that she could call whenever she feels like it. So she did, and he was ecstatic and relieved to hear from her. She told him that she was fine and safe, and never let on that she knew about any of this before hand cause she doesn't want him to know how she really feels yet, and I plan on respecting her wishes until she tells me otherwise.

Anyway, here's the initial email he wrote me, and apparently no hanging rope was required.

Beverly,

First I would like to say that I am sorry if you were ever hurt by anything I said or did. I only wanted our family to work. You have told me that you know this. But if I knew that you were that unhappy I would have helped you move out. (Um, suuuuuuure, you've got to be fucking kidding me!)You didn't have to blindside me. I have asked you many times over the past months if you were happy or dedicated to us and you have always said you were. So I am caught a bit off guard. I will not lie and say that I am happy with the situation, but I am sure that I will learn to live with it.

As you said, what is done is done. Now we have to deal with it. If you are certain of your decision then we can move forward with a divorce. I will not and would not try to make you stay where you don't want to be. If you are not COMPLETELY sure then lets just stay separated until you are. Either way, I will not push you to contact me or anything like that.

I would like to maintain at least a civil relationship for Emily's sake. I can promise that I will not make unfavorable comments about you in front of her and I hope you can do the same for me. This doesn't have to be a fight like Scott and Tonya (his brother and ex SIL) seem to enjoy. I don't want to put Emily through that. I would have preferred to talk to her about this together but I guess that chance is gone. Just remember, she is my daughter and I love her VERY MUCH. Don't try to come between us please.

I have suggested to Emily that we could email each other. Let me know if you have any objections to this. I would like to communicate with her as much as possible.

I will want to discuss arrangements for Emily as well as some bill issues with you when you feel like you can do that with me without fighting. If you would prefer to do this by email that is fine. That way we have a record of what was said. That is safer for both of us.

I want to be clear about my feelings. I still love you. I can't help that. I understand that you don't love me and that is something that I cannot control. I am not happy, but I will live. I just want you to be sure. If you are then Ok. Please remember however, that in all things you do Emily is watching and we don't need to make this any more difficult on her then it already has to be. I would like to see her regularly while we are finalizing everything. Justin has a twin bed that I can use so I will be setting up a room for her here. Please don't try to reduce me to a weekend dad. I want to spend time with her more then just once every other weekend. I need more than that.

I wish I knew more of what to say. I just don't. I can't believe this is happening. I honestly didn't see it coming which makes it all the worse. I will not lie to you and say that I am not angry that you did this like you did. But I am not holding a grudge or looking to get even. I just want to salvage my life with Emily and make it the best it can be given the circumstances.

Robert

To tell the truth, it kinda pisses me off that he gets to come off as Mr. Nice Guy about all this, but that's his style. Heaven forbid anyone else gets to see the horror we've been so privileged to over the years. But, as always, he's honestly only ever had Em's best interests at heart, even if he's always had such a fucked up way of showing it in the past. She is his number one priority, and always has been. It's just that his priorities include trying to mold her into something she's not, while killing her spirit in the process. Of course, he would never knowingly or intentionally do that, he's just never been open to the idea that his way of doing things could cause such a thing. But now, it seems, he just might be. I truly believe it took such a drastic action as this to get him to this point. He was desperate, and he knew that I had the upper hand for once. He knew that I had the power to keep his daughter from him if I so chose, and he knew he'd better play nice if we were gonna be able to work through this amicably. BTW, he also understands completely now that my decision about our relationship has been made and it seems as though he's accepted it and is not trying to talk me out of it, thank god! Again, I believe this is what it took.

Here's what he wants to do. A no-fault divorce after separation, which will allow him to save face without me filing on the grounds of personal indignities. At this point he still doesn't understand that he may have been even the slightest bit abusive but that's because I haven't been willing to discuss my personal reasons for leaving yet, and he hasn't pushed. But regardless of my very good case for divorce on those grounds, I am more than willing to keep this friendly and no-fault if it will save dragging Em through anything more than necessary. Because, no matter what, her emotional well being is absolutely the most import aspect of anything and everything I do, and I was only preparing myself for a fight if one was initiated like I had expected it to be. Since he's not putting up a fuss about custody, which is all I was really worried about to begin with, and is willing to seek counseling to work through his parenting issues, then I have absolutely no problem letting this be as easy as possible, in fact, I invite it wholeheartedly and am grateful for the unexpected opportunity. That's all I ever wanted anyway, but just didn't think would be possible with him. But like I said, ripping the band aid off like I did, truly was the very best thing I could have done, otherwise, I believe this would have been nasty for sure. It really took turning his whole world upside down, y'know?

Em's still having a hard time adjusting, but the pain is not nearly as raw as it was those first few days anymore. Now we just need to work on acceptance and getting used to a "new normal". She, of course, thinks that since daddy is being (overly) nice, and playful and attentive, then all of the problems must be solved and there's no reason why we can't move back in and try to be one big happy family again. I wonder if I gave her the impression that this was all about her, and that I didn't have my own issues with Bub? Surely not, I mean she saw what living with him was like for both of us on a daily basis, so I guess it's probably just some adolescent, self-absorbed wishful thinking. After all, she's a kid, doesn't the whole world revolve solely around them? ;D Anyway, we'll get there, it's just gonna take some time. Her counseling starts tomorrow, (Friday) so hopefully the therapist will be able to help her through the acceptance (among other things) in ways that I'm just not capable of.
So, here's a shot of my new little kitchen on moving day, hence the mess, indulging the beautiful flowers sent to me by a fellow 3fc'er (thanks again Sheila, you're the best!) and my $25.00 microwave, not too bad uh? BTW, that ancient dishwasher in the pic has since been replaced with a brand spanking new one, which just tickled me to death when I found out I would be getting it! The old one leaked the first time I tried using it, ug! And then there's a shot of my beautiful girl, also on moving day, still beaming with excitement before the harsh reality had it's chance to fully set in.






So, I guess that's about it. I'm certain I'm leaving soooo much out, but good lord, this post may never have ended if I could remember all the details! I guess I'll just add more as it comes to me, or maybe I'll just put it all behind me and start focusing on the still unknown, and quite frankly, a bit intimidating future that lies before me. And then maybe, I'll just pinch myself a little more, cause I still can't believe what has happened, what I made happen. I honestly never would have believed it, couldn't have entertained the idea that it was even possible. But now, here I sit, at 10:?? at night, in my own place, with my own rules. No fear of accidentally engaging anyone in unwanted, unending conversation. No eggshells to tread upon, no stinging humiliation to endure, no lectures to sit through, nor demands to comply with. No nothing, just peace and quiet and a whole new life just waiting to be explored. I just can't fucking believe it.

Okay, okay, please don't string me up by my toes. I know a detailed recount of this weekend's events is in order, but between Em requiring some much needed, extra attention, and my finding out today that my Granny (on my dad's side, here in AR) is gravely ill and not likely to make it much longer, I've just not made the time to write it all down yet. My brother and SIL are picking me up this evening on their way to the Heart Hospital in Little Rock where she's located, just to make sure we don't miss what might very well be our last chance to tell her we love her and say our goodbyes. Hopefully it won't come to that just yet, but it isn't looking good. Anyway, please know that I haven't forgotten about all of you, but my priorities are most definitely elsewhere right now. However, I do promise to be back soon with what is already turning out to be another of my marathon posts, chalk full of all the juicy details! ;D

Quick update

Okay everyone, you may now take a collective sigh of relief, as we are safe and MOVED! Ahhhhh! Wow, what a whirlwind this whole crazy mess has been! I, of course, have soooooo much to say, but I quickly realized that the detailed post I had begun working on was gonna take some time, which is something that I'm still quite short on for the time being. So, just know that things went relatively smoothly, although there were some tense moments when Bub called me to pick him up from work early because he wasn't feeling well, but like I said, details will come shortly. And I also want everyone to know that he didn't go loco and try to come after us or make any threats, in fact he's handling it much better than I expected, which is, of course throwing me for a loop so I'm finding it difficult to know just how to respond to him. Again, details to follow. Unfortunately, the reality of what we've done has really begun to sink in for Em over the last few days, so she's desperately missing her daddy, and her anguish has been almost unbearable at times. I knew this would be difficult for her, but I guess I wasn't expecting the severity of her reaction. She's simply not thinking about how horrible it's been or how desperately she wanted outta there, she's just missing the nice, funny, loving, playful daddy whom she loves with all her heart. And I'm certainly not going to try to remind her because she has to be able to deal with this in her own way, and I don't want to make this any more painful for her than it already is. I'm just grateful that I went ahead and set up her counseling, which begins on Friday. Anyway, I need to stop for now, but like I said, I've got lots to talk about, so I hope to be able to post all the gory details soon. Again, thank you to everyone for all of your love and support and for cheering me on and helping me through this craziness. Now, I suppose, the real fun begins. BTW, please feel free to take that statement however you like, cause I'm not entirely sure how I plan to take it yet either!

I was wrong about the end of the dream. When I asked her about it just now, she clarified it for me. After I jumped on him and got him away from her, we ran away and climbed up an elaborate tree house. But on the way up, he grabbed my arm, then Em grabbed the other one and they both pulled until I split in half. Then I just melted away and she had to live with Bub for the rest of her life. I think I liked the first version better.

Here's my revised letter including the divorce statement and the exclusion of the land line # per everyone's advice.

I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as I am filing for divorce and there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, which is what this undoubtedly is. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to adhere to my wishes, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, but not until I feel you've had sufficient time to accept this as reality and to gather enough control of your senses to keep from reacting in a way that we'd all regret. I'll also make sure Em calls you as often as she wishes, but for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. If necessary, you may contact me at ******* (my temporary Yahoo email) or leave a message on my cell phone.

About the land line, I didn't get a new one, I'm just having my existing work line transferred and leaving our other (home) line for him. So the number is no real secret, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what the actual number is, so I just won't mention it.

I think I may ask Em if she wants to write Bub a letter some day as well, but for right now she doesn't want him to have any idea about her true feelings. She's ashamed of them, much as I try to convince her not to be, and she doesn't want him to be mad at her. Unfortunately, she also knows from experience that it would do her no good to express her feelings, as he would simply dismiss them and then proceed to tell her how she's actually feeling instead. It's the same principle as for why I didn't try to explain either, there's simply no point. I've already told Em that dreams like the one she had this week are something that she should talk to the therapist about, once we get that started, so she can learn to understand them and work through them in ways that good 'ol mom is just incapable of.

I don't plan on speaking with him at all for as long as possible. And for the time being, I'm just gonna follow my lawyer's advice and allow him just enough rope to hang himself with by keeping any and all messages he leaves me. I'll be filing for divorce right away cause it's cheaper and there's no point in dragging it out. I could have done a legal separation/no fault divorce, but would take a minimum of 18 months separation first, and I just want it over with. I'll have to wait for a court date to have temporary custody and visitation set, which should take 1-2 weeks. Until then there's nothing saying he can't just take off with her, unless he hangs himself with that rope like I'm hoping he will. Then I can take out an order of protection witch covers Em, and makes it so he can't just take her without legal ramifications.

Tomorrow is gonna be busy to say the least, so I guess this will be it until... after. I'll try to update just as soon as possible, as long as he hasn't killed me or something. Aack! Sorry, I suppose this is not exactly the time for morbid humor, huh? Although, I have asked my SIL to take care of Em if something were to happen, just in case, y'know? Which I'll ask my lawyer about making official on Monday when I'm filing all my papers. Anyway, to everyone reading these words, I just want to say thank you for supporting me and cheering me on throughout this difficult process. For giving me space when I needed it and allowing me to come to this conclusion of my own accord, and for reaching out with your words and encouragement when I've needed them most. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Okie dokie, here goes nuttin'....

Em's dream and my letter(s)

This morning, on the way to school, Em told me about a disturbing dream she had last night. She said we were at the movies and Bub got mad at me for not thinking to get him some snacks while getting Em some. She said he started screaming and strangling me in a fit of rage, so she kicked him to make him stop. Then he turned on her and started screaming at her and spanking her over and over and over and over and just wouldn't stop. This relentless spanking is the technique he used for breaking her will when she was younger to ensure complete obedience. It's bad enough that she remembers these horrifying experiences, but even worse that I did nothing to stop it. It's one of the many things that I will regret and be ashamed of for the rest of my life. Anyway, then she said I jumped on him and pulled him away from her and then the police came and took him to jail. There was actually more to it than that, but you get the gist. I gotta tell ya, my heart was just breaking throughout the entire recollection. I mean, good lord, what must be going through that poor little head of hers? I pulled over towards the end and just held her and tried to reassure her as best I could that everything was gonna be okay, and that it's not up to her to worry about this stuff or try to protect us, that I've got it all handled. Ya think she bought it?

So, I've been busily drafting the letter I intend to leave for Bub upon my our departure, and I have a few versions that I would love to get some feedback on if you don't mind.

The first is my short and sweet version, no explanations, just the facts. Here goes...

I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, which is what this undoubtedly is. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to adhere to my wishes, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, but not until I feel you've had sufficient time to accept this as reality and to gather enough control of your senses to keep from reacting in a way that we'd all regret. I'll also make sure Em calls you as often as she wishes, but for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. If necessary, you may contact me at ******* (my temporary Yahoo email) or leave a message on my cell phone or my land line (***-****)

The second draft is wordier, perhaps unnecessarily so, and I'm leaning more towards the first draft myself.


You can think anything you like and tell people what ever you want, but when it comes right down to it, I know the truth and I know the reality of what I've been living with all these years, and honestly, I think somewhere deep down inside, you probably know it too, even if you would never admit it to yourself or anyone else. I am painfully aware of the fact that my chosen method of escape is, in fact, your worst nightmare. However, I am also absolutely certain of its necessity, therefore negating my inclination to try to make this easy for you, however little you deserve it. I do hope that you can see that this particular method was not chosen out of spite or vengeance, as that is simply not my nature. It was chosen, rather, out of sheer determination to only do what is my and Em's best interests. I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. In fact, it occurs to me that if you were even capable of understanding this, then perhaps we wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place, but I guess that's something you'll have to work through on your own if you are ever so inclined. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. And my lack of love, alone, would be more than enough, I only wish that was all there was to it for all our sakes. Honestly, I'm finally doing what I know I should have done long ago, what I'm now kicking myself for not have done sooner while there was still a chance for Em to have been sparred this toxic environment, and the subsequent damage it's caused her young, impressionable mind. I've chosen to do it in this manner out of necessity given the circumstances of our dysfunctional pseudo relationship. In essence, it has become clear that this is my only acceptable choice, however horrifying that may be, yet undoubtedly true. Plus, I simply will not allow myself to be talked out of this again. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, and I have absolutely no doubt that this is what is in our best interest. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage quickly and as painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. I am 100% certain of your ability to be self-sufficient if you choose to be. You've simply never been made to before, so here's your chance. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to respect my wishes and abide by them accordingly, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, hopefully once you've had sufficient time to accept this reality and to gather control of your senses enough to keep from reacting in a way that we'll all regret. So for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. (same contact info as above)

Or... I could just say the following:

You're fucking ridiculous you pompous prick.

But, I don't guess that one would go over quite as well, huh?

I'm still not entirely satisfied with any of the versions, but I'm willing to accept that I may never be. Regardless, I'm open to suggestions if anyone would care to share, but as of right now I'm pretty certain I'll be going with the short and sweet version (and no, I don't mean option 3, you shrewd little wenches!)

Other than working on that, I've just been trying to get shit done, and doing my best to keep the butterflies at bay as much as possible. The Kashi has been banned until I can prove myself trustworthy again, whenever that might be, and the exercise has still been iffy but not completely non-exisitant. Hmmm, seems I could be doing some of that right now rather than continuing to type this rambling nonsense. Guess I'll just have to go take care of that, now won't I? ;D

Well, I had myself a nice little meltdown on Thursday. It was bound to happen I suppose, and I'm certain it won't be the last time, but damn if it wasn't just the last thing I needed right now. I got to feeling overwhelmed, trying to make everything perfect and falling miserably short, and compromising some things that have become so important to me now like my commitment to exercise, which has more or less been put on the back burner far too often this week. I've also been turning to food for comfort, which royally pisses me off cause I honestly thought I wouldn't go down that road again. I thought I could handle it, but it's always the goddamned food, isn't it? I guess I should be grateful that drugs or alcohol are not my addictions of choice, something that could really compromise my abilities and my integrity on so many levels right now. So I did it, I went a little (or a lot) loopey and started questioning what exactly I was doing here, along with my reality and perception of what I know in my heart is an unacceptable situation. Y'know, the whole, what if I'm just being a big 'ol drama queen and it's really not as bad as I've made it out to be, routine. Blah, blah, blah, the self-doubt has been in full force. And the sheer panic over the reality of what it is that I'm about to freakin' do to all of our worlds. OMG, OMeffingG! Stop, breath... just breath. Okay.

So anyway, I reached out for help, which is so very difficult for me. As you all know, I'm a crier, not a talker, and I find it much easier to write my words than to speak them aloud. But I did it anyway cause I knew I had to, and I'm so thankful I did (thank you again Sandi, I love ya babe!). I am feeling better now, although emotionally drained, but that's to be expected I suppose. And now I'm just trying to go through the motions, getting shit done that needs doing, and trying not to think too much about it. I now have the phone transfer scheduled and the DSL ordered, the utilities started, I've purchased a microwave ($25.00 outta the paper, whoohoo!) and have begun taking things over that won't be missed. Of course I feel like there's too much to do and not enough time to do it in, but that's how I always feel. So I'm just gonna do what I can and try to let go of the rest, per the heartfelt advice of my kind and loving savior somewhere close to midnight Thursday. The truth is, everything I'm doing seems so surreal right now. It's like I can't even wrap my brain around what I'm about to do and the implications there of, so I feel sort of disjointed from the whole process. Like an out of body experience I suppose. But the way I see it, if the body can still function and get all this shit that I don't want to deal with done, then so be it. What ever it takes.

When I went in to pick up my mailbox key the other day, the apartment manager lady, Mary, handed me a little Easter gift bag she had made up for Em, "just in case the Easter Bunny was running short on time." As I thanked her I cried, how could I not? She worries about me, this stranger who knows little more than the fact that I'm leaving an unhealthy situation, who I can count the times I've spoken with on one hand, says she worries about me and can't stop thinking about me, and how she just wants everything to go as smoothly as possible. What a beautiful soul.

I managed to take Em to a big Easter event being held here in town without Bub Saturday morning. I've fretted about it all week, on one hand wanting to give her a nice, normal experience of a traditional Easter egg hunt, and on the other hand knowing such a thing simply is not possible with Bub around. So I finally got up the gumption to casually mention it in passing, emphasizing the parts he would dislike about the idea, in the hopes that he would not find it necessary to tag along, and it worked, thank god! So, while he snoozed his life away, we went out and had a wonderful, easy, relaxing time hunting for Easter eggs, playing games, getting her face painted and going on a hay ride, and even if only for a moment, we got to feel somewhat normal. And then we came home with hopes of coloring Easter eggs and enjoying the rest of our afternoon together... until he got up, and that was the end of that. I was preparing the coloring kit and Em was understandably excited so she was opening things and jumping the gun in an effort to move things along. I asked her to stop and to please be patient more than once, and that got him going. You need to listen, you need to do this, you need to do that, YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN! And when she did, her hand bumped the coloring tray, which popped up and fell back down. In Bub's view she picked up the tray and slammed it down, and that's all it took, because if that's what he saw, then that's how it was, period. Bitch bitch bitch, YOUR ATTITUDE, moan moan moan!! There will be no coloring Easter eggs until your attitude improves, blah blah blah, don't you think ? (to me) God, why couldn't he have just stayed asleep a little while longer? I knew she had just bumped the tray so I asked him to come into another room, cause I know better than to question him in front of her, (heaven forbid) and I tried to explain what actually happened. What was I thinking? Yell, rage, incompetent, inconsistent, unreliable, insulting, disrespectful, ineffective, untrustworthy, etc. Not necessarily his words, but more or less the point he was effectively conveying. I don't care if it's Easter or her birthday or Christmas or whatever, until her attitude is under control then she will get nothing! And it should be just as important to you, but you don't care about anything unless it affects you directly. She's selfish, rude and inconsiderate and I WILL NOT RAISE A HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT! We are in this together and I expect you to back me up on all this, 100%. As long as you let her get away with this stuff, she'll never change and neither will you. You have to be on top of her about every single little thing until she gets the picture that even the smallest amount of attitude will not be tolerated by either of us, and until she fixes it. I know you let her act out of hand all day long and then leave it up to me to be the bad guy and punish her for everything you should have punished her for already. You undermine everything I'm trying so hard to teach her. And how dare you question what I saw, that's just insulting and IT PISSES ME OFF! Blah blah blah. In the end, it was up to me to tell her that we decided that she would not be coloring Easter eggs because of her attitude, and that just maybe, if she showed enough improvement, we might let her do it later. She was heartbroken, almost as much as me, I think. She knows I had to, she understands why I did it, but that still doesn't mean it's okay. It only means that I've managed to let her down once again. At least I was able to give her a partially normal day. Now to just get through Easter...

I can't help but think about what kind of parent he's gonna try to make me out to be. I know Sandi, I know, but the fear is there nonetheless, and I can't seem to let go of it.

It's Sunday morning now, Easter morning. We were able to color Easter eggs after all, Bub participated. No major problems, just quick and tense. Then we went to play miniature golf and managed to get through that with only a few bad moments, much better than the last time we went. He talked at me for another hour or two about future plans, what he's doing (and expecting me to be a part of) to generate income by working from home, yet another of his business ideas. Talking about how he expects to have this up and running by next weekend and that by the end of the month, yadda yadda yadda. Not even an inkling of what I'm about to do to his world, dear god he's gonna be... I can't even think of a word for his rage that would fit.

I just realized that I forgot to check with Bub first about whether or not to allow Em to have her Easter basket before he gets up, which probably won't be until about noon. Now it won't matter, I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. Whether I make her wait or let her open it right away doesn't make a difference, he'll say he expected the opposite of which ever I do, it's a no win situation. I considered being frozen in indecision like I usually do, but I figure, what the hell, I'll just do what I want, (let her have it right away) and just deal with whatever happens, which could end up being nothing at all, you just never know. Besides, what's the worst he could do? They're just words, and they always end... eventually. Sticks and stones.

The deed is done.

I did it. I signed the papers, handed over a chunk of change, and got the keys to my new place. I started crying as the lady went over all the mumbo jumbo in the paperwork. She promptly stopped, and with great concern got me some tissue and started telling me a deeply personal story about the difficulties of accepting change, with the major point being that everything is, indeed, going to be okay. Thank god for the caring and compassionate people of this world, I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. This woman, Mary, whom I've mentioned before, is the wonderful lady who handles things for the apartment complex, and she has taken it upon herself to befriend and encourage me, telling me that I'm doing the right thing, and generally looking out for me in a motherly type way. She has insisted that I call her for anything, even if just to talk. I am humbled by her empathy and grateful for her support. Simple human kindness, gotta love it.

I went over there afterwards, just to check out the new carpet (which looks fabulous, BTW) and to, I dunno, just "be" in the new place. I went from room to room, taking it all in, thinking about how I should arrange things, and what I still need to purchase. It's kind of overwhelming really, I'm so used to deferring to Bub on everything, that I can't even seem to decide on the simplest things like where my desk should go in relation to the couch and TV. My inability to make decisions is so profound that I find myself simply setting them aside til later, thinking that I may have a clearer idea of what I truly want if I just leave it be for a bit. This, of course, is counterproductive, but I don't know what else to do. Hopefully my decisiveness is something that will vastly improve in the months and years to come. It's gonna have to, since I'll be the one calling all the shots now. I can't just fall back on Bub for the answers anymore, this is all up to me now.

I also started a checking account today, using my new address so that everything will go there instead of here. Next I have to get the utilities started and schedule getting the phone transferred. We currently have two lines, both in my name, one I'm taking with me and one I'm leaving for Bub, but having put into his name so I'll no longer be liable for it. I'll also have to get some technical stuff worked out like adding (and installing) DSL to the phone line I'm having transferred and making sure I coordinate the dates for that correctly. I've got to get phone and internet back up and running by the next Monday for work purposes because I can't just leave the little 'ol church ladies in a lurch, now can I? Anyway, there's still so much to do, but I'm really trying not to let it get to me. It's time to switch to autopilot and just gitter done.

I went ahead and got the ball rolling on getting Em some counseling ASAP. I had to get a referral from her doctor faxed over to Counseling Associates before I could get the paperwork started and an appointment scheduled, but all seems in order now. It looks like they won't be able to start seeing her until the end of April, so I'm glad I went ahead and got it started, I would've hated for her to have to wait any longer than necessary. She's nervously looking forward to talking to someone besides dear 'ol mom about all this stuff, and I think it will do her a world of good.

I also took the kitty in to get neutered today, poor baby! I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it later on so I pushed for it and was able to get it done, whoo hoo! Still no new name for our little he/she yet. Bub's just been calling him "Kitty Boy" and hasn't really been demanding a final decision on a new name, so I've just been skirting around the issue to bide my time. If we do end up renaming him, we want to feel free to pick something we actually like, rather than just conceding to appease Bub in whatever his superior choice may be.

Well, I think that's about it for now. I'm still pretty numb from the day's events, but I'm sure that will turn into sickening terror soon enough, so I guess I should enjoy the lack of feelings while it lasts. It all seems pretty surreal right now, and I'm finding it difficult to comprehend that I've actually gone past the point of no return with this. But like I said, I'm sure the reality of it will set in soon enough. Hopefully it will be a new sort of reality though, one of apprehensive excitement towards the uncertain future which is about to unfold before my very eyes. Perhaps I'll now start looking forward to our impending freedom, rather than continuing to be held fast in the unbearable fear. But whatever happens, I think I can handle it. No, I have to handle it, and that's precisely what I'm gonna do.

Tomorrow... I'm supposed to sign the lease and hand over the money on my new apartment. I think... I'm going... to vomit. This is it, the point of no return... I'm scared to fucking death. Please send me strength, as this is just the beginning of the end. Or should I say it's just the beginning of the beginning? Dear god, I think I'm really gonna do this.

Sorry, I just don't know how to keep 'em short anymore!

Well, I spoke with my lawyer about getting an order of protection, but unfortunately, I just don't have a strong case for one. You can't really put restraints on someone just because you think they might do something, especially without probable cause. He said it wouldn't hurt to try though, the worst they could do is deny the request and no one would ever know if they did. Plus, he said he's seen them issued for less, so it's not like I have no chance of getting one, it's just not a sure thing. Anyway, I can definitely appreciate the need to move this along quickly now that Em knows. I certainly have a healthy fear of her changing her mind and spilling the beans, so even though I really don't think that's gonna happen, you just never know. So, it looks like what I'm gonna do is go ahead and leave on that Friday, (April 21st.) rather than waiting any longer than necessary (I agree, another two months is just unacceptable, which is ironic considering the fact that I had all but resigned myself to living with it for the rest of my life, but let's just forget about that little tidbit, shall we?). And I'll leave my note along with email and voice mail as acceptable ways to contact me if necessary. My hope is that I'll never have to speak with him directly again, but I also realize how unlikely that probably is. Then me and Em will lay low all weekend, giving him time to lash out either by voice mail or email so it can be documented. Then I'll keep Em out of school that following Monday and file for a protective order if he does end up proving it's necessity. Either way, I'll get all the paperwork I need to filed that day to get the ball rolling and to get a temporary custody hearing set. Unfortunately it doesn't appear that there's anything I can legally do to protect Em and I. Yes, I can talk to the school, (and I plan to) but until there's a custody ruling or a court order in place, they can't stop him from taking his daughter anywhere. My lawyer said, even though it's sad and scary as hell, sometimes you just have to give these guys enough rope to hang themselves with. Then there will be something we can do about it. Lovely.

Now, on to something more positive. I got approved for an apartment on Wednesday! The lady was wonderful and so willing to work with me. I had told her a little about my situation, just to ensure discretion, and she understood completely. She allowed me to forego showing proof of income since Bub currently has all of my work checks coming in his name. I know, let me explain that one before y'all flip your lids! Think of my job as a contract I am fulfilling in sort of a freelance capacity, straight 1099 contract pay. Bub decided it would be best for tax purposes for all of our income to be in his name (dunno why since despite my avid protests, he hasn't bothered to even file taxes for the last few years, which I'm sure will come back to bite me in the ass sooner or later). I, of course, agreed cause... well, cause that's what I do, so I'm not currently getting paid for my work personally. BUT, have no fear, my job security is excellent. I have no doubt whatsoever that when the time comes, I'll let my "boss" in on all of this and he'll start making the checks out in my name (which is what he really wanted to do in the first place anyway) and send them directly to me at my new address. He and Bub are... friendly, but he knows I'm the one that ensures he stays in business. So, honestly, no worries, I got it all handled. Anyway, back to the apartment. It's not much, but it's cozy and affordable. The complex itself is fenced in with quite a bit of grassy areas for Em to play. And the apt. is a ground floor (thank goodness!) 2 bdrm (with a walk in closet in the master!), 1 large bathroom, and an actual laundry room rather than one of those laundry closets tucked away in the hallway or kitchen. Comes with a fridge and a dishwasher, but I'll have to get a washer and dryer. I'm not taking ours because I'm a bleeding heart sucka who just can't be cruel, much as I wish I could. I know that Bub won't be able to get to a laundrymat easily, so he really needs them more than I do. 'Cept now he'll just need to figure out how to use the darn things, hehee! I'm also leaving him the microwave since he can't/won't actually cook any real food himself, so I've been checking the paper for both and hope to acquire them soon. But right now they're busy cleaning, painting and putting in brand new carpet! Which is something she told me they weren't going to do just yet, but they felt like I would take good care of it, so they're going ahead and doing it. Like I said, the woman was very sweet, and she wanted to do what she could to make this a smooth transition for me and Em. She did express some concern about Bub coming there and causing trouble, but I assured her that I would have no tolerance for that kind of behavior and that the police will be called immediately if anything like that were to happen. Anyway, the apartment should be ready sometime next week, which is when I'll pay the deposit and sign the lease. And that's it, once I take that big step, I know there's no going back, period.

So I finally told my SIL (my brother's wife) about what's going on. I think I've mentioned that she's one of the few people I told last time, so I was afraid to tell her again cause I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf after backing out of it before. But she was fantastic about it and more than a little excited (she can't stand Bub either) and assured me that they would be handling all of the moving details for me. Like I said, she's awesome! My brother will take off work that day and they'll both come down (they live abt. 35-40 min. away) with his truck and a trailer and load em up and move em out! Woohoo! And boy, lemme tell ya, I am so grateful for the offer cause I had begun pricing local movers and realized that hauling your shit around for you apparently doesn't come cheap! I was looking at $400-550 just to move less than a mile away! So that's a tremendous weight off my shoulders, and it once again reinforces the idea that it's okay to ask for help. That's a hard one for me, but I'm getting there.

I had another therapy session at the women's shelter Wednesday afternoon. We talked a lot about how I deal with Em. I've already recognized that I'm far too lenient, am a huge pushover, I'm inconsistent, and have tremendous difficulty asserting my authority. Especially considering how precocious and strong willed that girl is. I have to tell ya, she does have a lot of her father's personality in her, so I know our relationship may always be a struggle. But one of my main goals is to really learn how to parent her affectively, setting appropriate parent/child boundaries and asserting my authority. Not turning into a dictator mind you, just being confident in my ability to assert myself and follow through. I believe she needs that kind of structure. Not in the way Bub believes, but not in the way I've been doing it either. The point is, she knows she can walk all over me, bully me, talk over me, and disrespect me because she sees it on a daily basis and knows I'll just take it or give in. I totally understand why she would try the same things, she's a kid and she knows she'll get her way if she does, what kid wouldn't take advantage of those weaknesses? So my plan is to finally learn how to be assertive and authoritative, while nurturing and empathetic at the same time. She needs to know that her mother can be strong without being intimidating and dismissive, which is what she's used to with Bub. Right now it's one way or the other, but never both. It's gonna be hard for her, and I expect her to rebel, but it has to happen for both our sakes. Anyway, the meeting went well. We talked a lot about Bub, of course, but I'm more interested in sharing the things that will affect my future, rather than the insanity that has been holding me back. Mary (the therapist) said my energy was better this time, said she could feel that I'm just stronger, and y'know what? I think I feel it too. :)

In other news, I had an unwelcome visitor this week. OMG, what a pain! Annoying, demanding, and an overall real freakin' drag. To tell you the truth, she hadn't been around in so long that I honestly never thought I'd have to put up with her again, but so much for that! Yep, you guessed it, Aunt Flo came blowing into town, unexpected and uninvited, and just made herself right at home, the bitch! Ug, I can't even remember how long it's been, and I was rather enjoying the idea that my body was done with all that nonsense. I really thought that I had shocked the menses right outta me, with all that weight loss and low body fat stuff, but nooooo, it just couldn't last, could it? Well, you know what they say, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. Y'know, I was perfectly happy being this menopausal 29 year old woman, there aint' nothing wrong with that! It's not like I ever plan to pop any more babies out, hell the way I feel right now, I could care less if I even have another relationship again. No way baby, I'm gonna learn to love myself for a while. And I will be damned if I ever willingly give away my personal power to anyone again, let alone a man just because I lurrrve him, or some shit like that. Nope, I'm gonna be the crazy cat lady living in apartment A2. At least she gets to do whatever the hell she wants to without having to answer to anyone! Sounds pretty darn good to me. Anyway, at least this explains why I started breaking out like some pubescent school girl, and why my Kashi obsession took a disturbing turn for the worse last week, but lets not go there, shall we? Oh well, things could be worse. Oh lord, does this mean I might get some kind of sex drive back? Naaaaaah, I wouldn't go that far. ;D

My thanks and apologies, this is gonna be long!

First of all, to everyone, (you know who you are) for whatever reasons that may apply (and I know what those are) thank you. Yes you, even if you don't think I'm talking about you, just know that I am. For each and every one of you who has read this blog and in your own way supported me in spite of myself, I am humbled and eternally grateful.

Wanna know what my fortune cookie from the other night said?

"Your power is in your ability to decide."

Hmmm, well ain't that a kicker? Doh!

Man, I've got so much to write about. I wonder if I should break it up into several different posts or just leave it as one big ass long one? Oh well, y'all are used to me rambling on and on by now anyway, so here goes...

First of all, on the lighter side, we got some particularly disturbing news about our lovable little Precious kitty from the vet this week. Em and I took her in to get her shots (it was about damn time, the kitty is 8 freakin' months old now!) and I decided to ask the vet about Precious not having gone into heat yet. I thought that perhaps, since she had been so deathly ill as a kitten (it's a miracle she survived really) that maybe she had become sterile from the trauma. The vet thought that was a very good question and said he would definitely check her out and see if he could tell. So he proceeds to examine our sweet little girl and then abruptly says, (do you see where I'm going with this yet?) "oh, I know why she hasn't gone into heat yet, she's a HE!" WTF?! Em and I were gobsmacked, jaws hanging freely, eyes dazed and confused. What did he just say? "Yeah, she's a he, oops." OOPS?! Now, for individuals unlike like my precocious daughter and I, this would have been perfectly plausible, perhaps even hilarious little turn of events, warranting a good hearty chuckle and a couple of "oh craps, now what?" but I said for people unlike my daughter and I. We, on the other hand, lost all sense of reality for a brief period while we were simply unable to process this horrifying information. Okay, so maybe our reaction wasn't sooooo dramatic as that, but to say we didn't handle it well would be a gross understatement. We spent the remainder of the day in full denial mode, breaking only to briefly look at each other or our precious kitty in utter disbelief every now and then, saying, "I can't believe she's a he!". Bub is, of course, insisting that we change he/she's name to something more masculine, regardless of the fact that I did and still do totally disagree. I say, Precious has been the cat's name all along, whether it was a boy, girl or hermaphrodite, so why bother changing the name that both we and the kitty has grown so accustomed to? But no, that's living in denial and irrationally fearing change of any sort, and setting a bad example for Em, blah blah blah... As always, it comes down to my bad parenting, which is the worst thing he can attack me with since it always leaves me questioning myself. On one hand I sincerely believe that he is just trying to teach me how to be a better parent, more like him. But on the other hand, I sometimes wonder if he purposefully exploits this particular weakness of mine (my fear of messing her up and doing wrong by her) because he knows how much it means to me and how fearful I am of doing the wrong thing? Perhaps he is doing that, but maybe unconsciously? I dunno. But I do know one thing for sure, it works! Because after the parenting lectures my self doubt runs rampant and I am left wondering if perhaps he really is enlightened about how to best rear her into a confident, self-sufficient young woman; the complete opposite of me. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one who really doesn't "get it"? Where is the line between unhealthy denial and simply having a particular opinion just because I feel like it? So anyway, back to Precious. Apparently we're giving the boy kitty a boy name and that's all there is to it because that's the only logical rational thing to do, and anything else would be completely ridiculous, of course. Whatever dude.

Okay, this is already long, and there is soooooo much more. So grab a cuppa coffee (Sandi, refill that water glass girl!) and settle in, we've got a long way to go.

Bub scheduled a "meeting" with me last Wednesday, to discuss some major relationship issues he was having with me. Oh dear lord. Getting an impromptu lecture is one thing, but when he actually schedules a time with me to sit down and discuss issues, well, that's a whole other thing entirely. I guess I'm kinda glad I knew what was coming before hand, that way I could mentally prepare myself, and perhaps, be a little more controlled in my responses rather than my typical dazed confusion of panic and fear when blindsided by one of his rages or lectures. So even though my dread was palpable, I was at least open to and prepared for whatever he had to say and ready with the appropriate sympathetic sincerity in my apologies which he requires in order to allow a topic to be closed. So, what was his major concern? My distance and coldness. His feeling that I would be perfectly happy never having to spend any time with him, and that I never seem to engage him or show affection of any sort. Good god, what do I say to that? Yeah Bub, you make me sick and I can't even stand the thought of you, let alone being affectionate or spending time with you. Now, were he a normal, rational human being, perhaps I could have expressed my feelings of being hurt by the humiliating way he demeans and disrespects me, especially in front of Emily. Maybe I could have explained that being treated this way causes me to not feel particularly affectionate or engaging, and that I distance myself purposefully out of self-preservation. But the fact is, I'm not dealing with a normal, rational human being. One who could possibly be open to the idea that his behavior brings about these feelings. One who would be willing to examine it honestly, not just go about rationalizing the behavior and breaking down each of my feelings and disproving them to the point of my taking them back and apologizing for ever having felt them in the first place. And then chastising and lecturing me about how cold and cruel I am for making him feel so bad by saying and thinking such awful things about him. After all, how dare I? The point is, if he doesn't see it or agree with it, then it simply isn't true, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. In fact, I think he rather enjoys my trying to convince him, that way he can logically disprove any problem I might have, and ensure that I will never have that problem again. Because once he disproves it, it is no longer valid. And then, of course, he finds it necessary to go that extra mile by making sure that I agree wholeheartedly with it's now proven invalidity so that I can never use it as an excuse or have a problem with it again. And heaven forbid if I did, good lord! The man simply does not tolerate having to repeat himself. So if I were to ever re-address a problem that, in his view, has been laid to rest, then whoa baby, Katie barr the door! One of his favorite things to say is that I just don't listen to him. Which means, of course, that I'm not agreeing with him, because if I were truly listening to him, then how could I not agree? OMG, you know what, I'm sick of bitching about this shit, so I'm gonna stop. Anyway, the conversation was typical, although not nearly as long (only about 1 1/2 hours) due mostly to my contrived agreeability and willingness to accept full responsibility for all my wrong doings. Which I believe, was a result of my mental preparedness for the discussion, otherwise I might have been caught off guard and actually tried to defend myself. I did end up having to come up with some real, practical ways I could improve my behavior since he no longer accepts my promises to do better because he says he never sees results that way. So I said I would probably get a journal (per his suggestion) so I could write down all the stuff I keep messing up on. That way I can keep track of it and realize just how often I still do it, so that I can really improve on it and make some sincere changes that he can actually see. This would mean giving him concrete evidence of my changing my thought processes and habits to mirror his own, since that's the right way to be, and what he's really been trying to teach me all this time. He really thinks organization is key, that it would greatly improve my poor communication skills since I seem to have so much trouble following him, listening to him, and remembering what he says. In fact, he's even insisted that I actually take notes during our discussions before, as in stop what you're doing/saying, go get a pad of paper and write each topic and sub-topic down throughout the conversation so that you can keep up and not frustrate me and make me repeat myself anymore. Asshole. Anyway, I kept up the charade out of necessity, feigning my shock and disbelief at my horribly hurtful and cold behavior. Saying I had no idea I was making him feel this way and how sorry I am for being so inconsiderate, yadda yadda yadda. Sure, I would loved to have told him how I really felt, but I knew I couldn't if I had any hope to pull off my big escape. I did feel a little guilty about leading him on with fake promises in light of his feeble attempt at open and sincere communication, even if it was in his own messed up, controlling way, because it's the only way he knows and I can certainly appreciate the intention behind it.

Okay, last but not least. Hey, don't say I didn't warn you that this was gonna be long! Need a potty break? Go ahead, I'll wait... That one was for you Dawnyal, I'm feelin' ya babe!

The biggest, most important, disturbing news of all. Em knows. Just to be clear, I had absolutely no intention of telling her, per everyone's wise and heartfelt advice. I had fully expected to quietly plan and implement my big escape without her knowledge or approval, and simply deal with the aftermath as best I could once the deed was done. But I made the choice in a moment of desperation (on her part) because I felt it necessary for her emotional well being and to give her some peace of mind. She came to me, as she does with increasing regularity, in panic and desperation about not being able to take it anymore. She's having trouble controlling her rage for him, yet she knows she can't show it in front of him, so she uses me as a safe outlet for her feelings, which I'm grateful for rather than her just bottling those feelings up. Anyway, she says she feels like he's literally making her crazy,(as in, she thinks he's messing her brain up with all of his confusing, irrational rages and moments playful kindness) yet she feels hopeless cause she knows he'll never change and there's nothing she can do about it. I told her it's not her job to do anything about it, that it's not her responsibility or her fault that her daddy is the way he is. I told her that he is responsible for himself and his own choices, actions and behaviors, and that she doesn't make him act any way, nor is it her job to try to make him happy, only he can do that. She asked me if he would be mad at her or stop loving her if we didn't live with him anymore. I said, of course not honey, not living with him isn't your decision to make, it's mine. It's not your responsibility or your fault, even if you really don't want to live with him, because the decision is mine, and I, alone, am responsible for it. Then I asked her if she thought I wasn't leaving him because she told me she didn't want to, and she said yes. I said no honey, the choice was never up to you, this is a decision I must make alone, regardless of what you want me to do, and I haven't been waiting around just because you don't want me to do it because it's not your decision to make. I said sometimes grownups make decisions that kids don't agree with, and even hate, but they do it anyway because they have to do what they know is right, even if it means going against other's wishes. I said it's my job to do what I believe is best, even if you don't agree. She said good, she said she was relieved because she thought he would blame her and be mad at her too if she admitted that she really wanted to go and we then we did end up going because of it. She thought it was up to her and that meant it was her fault or idea and he would blame her or be angry with her for doing it. She said the only reasons she didn't want us to do this is because of how he might react (blaming or being angry with her) and because she's worried about him trying to keep Precious and her video games, etc. I told her there's no reason for her to worry about those things, that she doesn't need to worry about anything, that I have everything under control, and it's not her responsibility to stress over details. Again, panic. I need details momma, I neeeeeed them, it'll help me not to worry! I tell ya, this girl handles unknowns just about as well as I do! I told her that sometimes people just pack up everything they want or need (including pets and video games) and leave without telling anyone. She said whaddaya mean, like just leave a note or something? Yeah, something like that. OMG, the relief in her eyes, just realizing that we could actually do this without having to be subjected to his reaction. Oh mommy please, can we do that? Can we just find a new place to live, take Precious, and go? Yes honey, that's exactly what we're gonna do. She asked if I've been planning this behind her back and why didn't I tell her. I said that I knew how she felt about it, but that it still needed to be done, even if she was against the idea, and that it is my job to do what is best regardless of her reaction. Anyway, we went on talking about it for quite a while, she wanted to know as many details as possible. Her excitement and relief were enormous and I think she felt a tremendous weight lifted from her shoulders. I had a feeling she was putting all the responsibility on herself, so I'm relieved that I've at least been able to alleviate that unnecessary pressure. I also let her know, in no uncertain terms, that even if she changed her mind and begged me to stay, that I will still do what I believe is best and that the decision is only up to me. She said she understood and that there was no way she was changing her mind anyway, but she is a kid so I'm not going to set my expectations too high. We also discussed the importance of him not finding out about what I'm doing, and I'm certain that she fully understands. After all, she knows just as well as I do, how he would react to something like this. That's why the idea of just leaving is so appealing to her. Then she won't have to bear witness to his rage either.

Okay, I lied, there is one more thing I need to address; my new dilemma. The idea occurred to me that once we're out, there is absolutely nothing stopping Bub from making his way to school one day and just taking off with her. At least until temporary custody is determined, but that takes time. I can't file until I'm separated and our court system frowns upon emergency custody hearings due to other lawyers in our town abusing this option in the past. There would need to be proof of necessity for an emergency hearing, and since he doesn't beat us or anything there's really no way to prove it's necessity. So, the question is, do I wait until school is out for the year? That way I wouldn't need to leave anything up to chance as she would be in my presence 24/7 and he wouldn't get the opportunity to just take her. And believe me, this fear is very legitimate, I promise I'm not just trying to come up with excuses. Bub's sense of entitlement is outrageous and he simply will not stand for his control or authority to be undermined in this way. I fully believe he would do whatever he thinks is necessary to regain the upper hand, and he would undoubtedly feel it to be his right and obligation to get her back, even if by force. So I'm in a quandary here. While it may be more prudent to wait until school is out, (May 30) I just don't know if either one of us can handle it for another two months. Em has been rebelling against his ridiculously overbearing control, and he already senses our obvious detachment from him in that we can barely stand to even be in the same room with him, so he has been steadily stepping up his control measures. His lectures are more angry and more frequent and his insistence that he's not willing to put up with our continued bad behavior anymore is almost constant. He is now forcing me to take a more active role in backing him up and disciplining her whenever she "steps out of line" meaning when she acts any way other than what he deems acceptable for her. He believes that it is up to us to mold her into the person we want her to be, that her inherent personality is simply not a factor in this, and that we can develop her personality into whatever we want it to be. But in order to do so, we have to be constantly on top of her, correcting every wrong behavior and disciplining by whatever means necessary. He seems particularly fond of humiliation because he knows how much it debilitates her and that it will get the desired results. I actually tried to stand my ground on my disagreement with this method, but he was outraged by my insistence of a differing opinion and proceeded to really let me have it for a few hours late last night, and has already scheduled another "talk" for tonight because of it. I realize that it was pointless to try, but my god, humiliating her is just so cruel! I felt like I had to say something though. Yes, I should have known better, but he's right, I never seem to learn.

Dear lord, now I'm even appalled by the length of this post! Thanks for sticking with me on this one, I know it couldn't have been easy! I think it's time I go for now, before I think of anything else to stick in here. Plus, perhaps actually getting a little work done might be prudent, don'tcha think?