Wow, thank you to everyone for your heartfelt comments and suggestions! While I feel that volunteering is vital to the community and the duty of every person to give back to those less fortunate than themselves, I don't believe that it would be the solution to this core issue. My dissatisfaction with my life goes so much deeper than merely needing to find more to do with my idle time. Although I most certainly do need more to do with my idle time!;D But, that's beside the point. Of course, this doesn't mean I'm dismissing the idea by any means. In fact, Em and I are always on the look out for different opportunities to help out where we can. My most recent suggestion to her is that we check into our local senior citizens center to see if we could help brighten the day for those who are far too often forgotten about. Unfortunately, we both suffer from intense shyness, so it's been difficult for us to find opportunities that we are both comfortable with other than our regular anonymous giving. Anyway, my point is that I feel throwing myself into external things would only allow me to mask the core problems, and give me the excuse to not have to deal with them, as I've been doing for so long. This is about me, my core personality issues and my willingness to settle in life. And I feel like I can't effectively help others until I learn how to help myself. Not saying that I can't do both at the same time, I just can't focus on helping others instead of helping myself.

I really like the ideas of speaking out about health and weight loss, although I do believe you have to be a WW member to be a leader, don't you? But in some other setting would be fantastic! I think people need to know that this whole weight loss thing doesn't have to be as hard as we've always led ourselves to believe. Of course, my intense fear of public speaking could pose a problem, but I'm certain I could overcome that for the right cause. Writing a book on the subject really appeals to me the most, and have actually begun the process. Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to become overwhelmed by this project (as I so often tend to do) and trying to pinpoint exactly what direction I want to take with it. But I am working on it, little by little. I figure I can organize the mess into something more comprehendable once I've gotten down everything I want to say on the subject.

Also, I want to say a special thank you to my dear friend Jilly, (always my savior and resounding voice of wisdom and reason, what ever would I do without you?) for putting into perspective something that, looking back, I should have seen. You are absolutely right, I don't have the mind set to take on this daunting task right now. Just like in the weight loss, where I was not able to do it until I was mentally prepared for the challenge, I have to be ready to make the necessary changes it takes to obtain what I want in life. I can't believe I didn't see this before! I've been comparing my weight loss with the rest of my life all along, yet I never made the correlation about this; perhaps one of the most important aspects of successful and lasting change. You have to be ready for it; the good, the bad, and the ugly. "Ah-ha!!" Thank you for believing in me.

Wow, I am just so grateful for this outlet, and all the wonderful, caring support it affords me. I can't imagine how I ever got along without it.

More rambling

I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions, waiting for the other shoe to drop for quite a while now. For so long, my life has been completely wrapped up in health and weight loss, and now it seems like I've lost my purpose. Although, I can't say that I've ever really had a purpose, or felt like I did, at least. Before I began this journey, I happily went along with the wonderfully convenient excuse that I was too fat to bother with hopes, dreams, or goals. I didn't have to face the fact that I wasn't achieving any kind of greatness in this life because none was expected of me, either from myself or others. Oh, there's always time for this or that... once I'm skinny. That's when I can really start living the life I want... when I'm skinny. All the while, I kept right on plowing my way through another pint of Ben & Jerry's, another dish of my cheesy potato casserole. Because, as far as I can tell, I believed that as long as I never got skinny, I would never have to actually face living, or the fact that I really wasn't. So, now what? Yeah, I'm skinny now, no glitz or glory, no fireworks or opportunities magically knocking at my door. I believe in fate, yes, I believe that everything in this life happens for a reason, and that it's all part of a greater plan that I may never be privy to. But because of this belief, I allow myself to "wait and see" about almost everything I want or do. Like, if I don't make decisions or take action for long enough, then the decision will be made for me and the responsibility taken out of my hands. This allows me to chalk it all up to fate, as in, that's how it was meant to be, and not have to be held accountable for anything in my life. I find myself putting things off more and more lately. Saying I'll do that when... When what? When I'm skinny? No, that one doesn't quite work anymore, now does it? When I have more control over my own life? Well when the fuck is that gonna be? Never, at the rate I'm going. It's like I'm waiting. Waiting for what ever is supposed to happen that will signify the beginning of my real life. The life I believe is meant for me. Do I think it's just gonna fall in my lap, what ever this is that I'm supposed to do with my life? Yes, I think I do believe that. I think that what ever is supposed to happen, will happen, and when it does I'll be able to get on with living the life I want, or am meant to.

I go through each day, just trying to make it through to the next, without any major upsets or drama. I do the same damn thing, day in and day out, and can get quite pissy when anything happens to disrupt my routine. And it occurs to me that I am stuck, perpetually turning my wheels in this endless rut. And that it's gonna take a major upset to finally propel me into action. I've been biding my time, and it has gotten me nowhere, except more deeply enveloped in a life I do not want. It's like I think I'm gonna just wake up one day, free of my marriage or fabulously wealthy, or some other wishful thought. So I'm spending each day waiting, waiting for something that will never happen unless I make it happen, and putting my real life on hold until that day finally arrives. Once again, it goes back to that whole fate issue. I believe that if these things are meant to be, then they will just happen for me. But I can't go through life just waiting for all the good things to happen for me. Because, what happens when, at the end of this life, I have the opportunity to look back at how I've lived and realize that I never really did? That my life was spent waiting for something better to come along, and now it's too late to do anything about it. I like having nothing to upset my daily routine, it makes me feel safe and stable somehow, in what has proven to be a very unstable and volatile life and marriage thus far. Yet I am bored and unfulfilled, and wondering just what's the point? Sure, I may make it through this day without any drama, but for what? Just to live the next day, doing the exact same thing? I have nothing to work towards anymore. I have achieved my weight loss and fitness goals, and now that I don't have that to focus on anymore, what am I supposed to do with myself. My whole life has been wrapped up in my weight in one way or another, and now, I guess I'm just lost. I can only assume that it goes back to my idealized thinking that once the weight was off, my life would somehow be perfect. And in realizing that it's not, now I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Geez, my head is all over the place today, I hope this is making some sense. I guess my point is that I'm stuck. Stuck in a life I never dreamed for myself, yet I feel helpless to do anything about. But doing something about it is the only way I'm ever going to find happiness. My life can only be as great as I make it, and right now I'm doing nothing to make it great, except waiting for it to be made great for me. And I gotta tell ya, it really isn't working for me anymore. Not that it ever did, I suppose. I want so much more. I plan and dream about so much more. And I expect that some day I will be free of the ties that bind me, although I have no idea how. But still, I expect it, nevertheless, like I somehow feel entitled to happiness. What makes me so arrogant to think that I deserve happiness, without actually having to put forth the effort to achieve it? Those who have it, had to work damn hard for it. They had to go through the bad to get to the good. And only now, can they reap the fruits of their labor. Nothing was just handed to those who've achieved true happiness, they've earned it through their own blood, sweat, and tears. So what makes me think that I'm any better, or more entitled to it, that it should just come to me rather than me finding it? My belief in fate? C'mon, I can't just leave my life up to fate anymore, 'cause look at where that has gotten me- nowhere. I have to make it what I want it to be. I have to do the work, I have to earn it. But the idea that I have to be responsible for my own fate scares the shit out of me. The thought of taking action, any action, paralyzes my into in-action. Because if I mess up, if I make the wrong choices, the only one I'll have to blame is myself. Right now I can point the finger of blame at everyone and everything else. Why wouldn't I? I certainly don't want to be responsible for the way I've turned out! I can say Bub's the problem, or money's the problem, or my decision to move here as a teenager, or ever being born. What ever it is, it doesn't matter, because they were my decisions to make (well, maybe not the being born one, but you get my point!). I did this to myself, and I am the only one who can undo it. The same held true with my weight. No one forced me to become or remain obese all my life. I single-handedly managed that one all by myself. Sure, I may have been born with some crappy genetics, and I never really learned how to manage a healthy relationship with food. But that doesn't mean that I couldn't have overcome these obstacles, I just never decided to until now. It was always up to me, yet I just waited. I waited for the magic bullet to come along and cure me of my fatness without having to put any real work into it. Because I felt like, if it was meant to be, it would happen. How? I dunno, but it just would. I remember laying in bed at night as a child just begging and pleading, please just let me wake up thin tomorrow. I put so much time and effort into daydreaming about what my life would be like if I were thin, that it never occurred to me that I could focus that energy on making myself thin. That's too hard, it takes planning and depriving, and hard work. I really believed that something would come along eventually, and until then I could continue on living the way I was and blaming everyone and everything else for my fatness. While using it as an excuse not to do or be better. Using it as an excuse not to be responsible for myself. So do you see how my struggle with weight correlates to my struggle to find happiness? It's the same damn thing! Yet here I sit, finally thin, yet unwilling to make the necessary changes I need to find happiness. Why not? It clicked for my about my weight, so why not about this?

Geez, I feel like I'm just going in circles here. I continue to ramble as if I expect some sort of epiphany. What exactly do I expect to figure out, that I don't already know? I guess the ramble is just that; a ramble. Because it makes me feel better to get it all out. Well, I guess that's just about enough rambling for now. But I do feel better, at least! ;D

I'll take the buffet!

We went to the $1.00 theater on Sunday to see Herbie Fully Loaded, (cute!) and then out to an early dinner at a local family style chain restaurant, which sports a fairly large buffet. I gotta tell ya, I sure do love me a buffet! It's funny too, knowing the risks and temptations that come along with eating buffet style, and the fact that sooooo many of us food addicted fat chicks simply cannot handle this kind of situation. But after years of seeing buffets as an excuse to gorge myself, then some time spent being weary and anxious of them while losing the weight, I've now come to appreciate the buffet in a way I never thought I could before. Instead of seeing the deep-fried, fat-filled food free for all that I so happily partook of to the point of physical pain for most of my life, I now see it as an opportunity to enjoy very small amounts of several different types of foods that I wouldn't normally have in my every day life. Stuff that I would never order a full entree of in regular restaurants, I can now enjoy in very small quantities without remorse. It's wonderful!! Two or three bites of this, two or three bites of that, along with a ginormous salad, and I'm one completely satisfied happy camper who can stay on plan and not feel the least bit deprived. I think every place should have a buffet!! I'm guessing, once I resolved the fact that I could no longer eat the type and amounts of food I was used to, I was able to let go of the "eat as much as you can for the price" idea. And you all know how much I love a bargain, so not feeling like I'm getting my money's worth was a huge thing to let go of. But I do feel like I'm getting my money's worth, just in a different way. Just because all that food is there, it doesn't mean I have to eat all of it for the $8.99 I spent. The money is spent either way, so what I choose to spend it on is completely up to me. And now that I am no longer giving in to the gratuitous whims of my inner (spoiled, fat) child, and can actually hold myself accountable for the types and amounts of food that I allow to pass these lips, I think I can truly enjoy a buffet for it's originally intended purpose- a diversified, satisfying meal. Plus, you gotta love the salad bars at these places! Whoa baby! Spinach, cucumbers, broccoli, tomatoes, you name it, they got it! And you can come back and get as much of it as you damn well please. No piddly little, pre-made dinner salads, the likes of which you get at those overpriced sit-down joints. No, I'm talkin heaping mounds of fresh veggies and yummy fixins, YUM! You just can't beat a really good salad bar!

You know what I just realized? I'm talking about a freaking salad bar like I used to describe my famous chocolate chunk, walnut, caramel brownies! (No, I will not post the recipe, I refuse to be an enabler!) How huge is that?!! I gotta tell you though, I really love the food I eat now. So much so, that I almost feel guilty, like I'm cheating sometimes. Is that messed up, or what? I actually prefer to eat the food I prepare over almost any restaurant we can go to, which really bugs the shit out of Bub and Em since they are total junk food junkies. I almost never want to eat out anymore. But the way I figure it, there is no way I could have stuck with this if I didn't absolutely love the food I eat. So, I feel lucky that I have been able to acquire a taste for things that I never would have considered before. Oh god, I think I've turned into one of those "health nuts" who actually likes rabbit food and enjoys exercise. Crap! I hate those people!!

Anyway, I saw this on the boards at 3fc, and didn't think it got nearly as much recognition as it so rightly deserves (just because it's fun and motivating). So, I'm gonna post it here so even more fat or formally fat chicks can partake in the fun! The idea behind it is that you do a little calculating to figure out how many or much of your favorite foods has or will be burned off according to the pounds you've lost or want to lose. Gosh, I hope that makes sense! Oh well, just read on, you'll figure it out.

Directions:
1. pick a food that you used to eat a lot.
2. search the web to see the calories for that food (take note of serving size). Calorie King is good for this.
3. multiply the pounds you've lost times 3500 to come up with the total CALORIES you've burned to lose your weight.
4. divide total calories burned by calories for your chosen food.
5. Viola! You've burned that much food!

I did 190 (lbs. lost) X 3500 = 665,000 / cals for chosen food

So, all together, I've lost:
96 pints of Ben & Jerry's Coffee Health Bar Crunch +
637 Cadbury Cream Eggs +
968 Reeses Peanut Butter Cups +
464 Almond Snickers +
792 Toll House chocolate chip cookies +
616 chocolate chunk brownies

or... 8,313 of my new favorite healthy snack, Blue Bunny Lite 85 black cherry yogurt!

Holy crap! That's an eye opener, isn't it?

Damn you Rita!

First, thank you to all for believing in me, even when I seem incapable of believing in myself. I, too, feel I will get there... someday. I can't afford not to believe in that.

Now, damn you Rita, for a harrowing hour spent huddled in the bathroom, with sounds of tornado sirens wailing into the stormy darkness. Em and I (along with Whiskers and some playful, frisky kittens running amuck) had the unfortunate pleasure of riding out some of Rita's sloppy seconds Saturday evening. I was happily making dinner as the much anticipated and expected rain was falling in droves, when, out of nowhere, the obnoxious blare of tornado sirens pierced the quiet sizzle of my delicious veggie stir-fry. I was caught off guard for a moment as I tried to comprehend the ramifications of that dreaded sound, then I quickly grabbed hold of Emmy's arm and began to steer her towards the inner-most room of our house, the bathroom. But she froze there in wide-eyed terror (how much more can this poor, traumatized child take after the school intruder incident??) as she contemplated the possibility that 6:30 Saturday evening could somehow have morphed into 12:00 noon on Wednesday, which is when the weekly test of our tornado siren is always performed. She frantically shouts, "What day is it?!!" Not Wednesday at noon, I inform her as I resume pulling her along. She immediately begins to cry, (who can blame her, this is some scary shit!) and reminds me that we have to get Whiskers. I told her I would, but I have to get her to safety first. I settled her into the bathroom with a huge flashlight and told her to stay put, I'd be right back. Then I hurriedly gathered up the kittens and their momma, along with my cell phone, and headed back to the bathroom. Just then my cell phone rings; it's Bub asking if I hear the tornado sirens, (well yeah, jackass!) and to tell me to get to the bathroom. (DUH!) Anyway, I finally get back in there and pull Em into my lap to try to calm her down, because, of course, she is completely freaking out! Again, I don't blame her, I would be too if I didn't have to be "the strong one" at this very moment! All the while, she's squeezing the shit out of Whiskers because she doesn't want a tornado to carry her away, so I make her loosen her death grip on the poor, squished cat, who then scurries away to safety from this obviously psychotic child. Then the phone rings again; it's Bub with another play by play. I guess he's watching the weather report from where ever the hell he is. So he tells me where the tornado(s) has reportedly touched down and where it's headed, and that it's not expected to hit us directly but to stay in the bathroom until the warning has expired and the sirens have halted. I tell Em that it looks like we may be in the clear, but we're gonna stay put just to make sure. Noticeably relieved, and much more relaxed, she's now able to laugh about the stupid kittens who are actively engaged in trying eat each other's tails off, as kittens tend to do. So, here I sit in the bathroom, with a bunch of crazy cats, a weary little girl, one liter box (freshly scooped, thank goodness!) and a rumbly, grumbly tummy 'cause my freakin dinner is still sitting in the kitchen getting cold! Hmmm, my completely rational, albeit food obsessed mind starts pondering the risks of sneaking to the kitchen to grab our dinner because, after all, this could be our last chance to eat something, if a tornado did happen to come. Of course, it seemed the most logical thing to do, right? Good grief, I need help! Regardless, I ran out there, dumped my luke warm stir-fry onto a plate and grabbed Em's plate, which I had just finished making up before the siren began to sound, and headed back to the bathroom. Whisker's, of course, was very appreciative, assuming that the plates of food were made just for her. So, we proceeded to eat, me perched atop the toilet seat, Em sitting against the bathtub, while Whiskers made it her mission in life to cajole someone, anyone, to share some of the precious meal. Sorry cat, it ain't gonna happen! Anyway, during this time, the sirens finally ceased and the time schedule for the warning expired, so I called Bub to see if there was any new info, which there wasn't, and we got the all clear. We tentatively made our way out of our hideout, with cats and empty plates in tow, and quickly turned on the TV to see what else might be headed our way. Luckily, only rain, rain, and more rain (and wind) were expected, so we breathed a collective sigh of relief and settled in to watch the remainder of Shrek, which was airing that evening on NBC. Whew, what a night! I think I can happily live out the remainder of my life with never having to experience something like that again! I think it was last week that I commented in Dawnyal's blog about how much I prefer earthquakes to tornados, having grown up in northern California myself. When an earthquake happens, it happens. No anxiety leading up to it, no cowering in an enclosed space wondering if this is finally the one that gets you. I don't want to know about what may or may not happen because the worrying and the waiting are the most excruciating parts. Yeppers, give me a good 'ol earthquake any day; those I can deal with!

Oh crap! Long-winded, cynical post ahead. Readers beware!

I wonder just how often I've settled in life due to my obesity? If I had a nickel for every time, surely I'd be one rich lady. But, as I ponder the question, it occurs to me how all-encompassing my perceived unworthiness really has been. In case you're wondering, I've been reading a lot of other's blogs lately and this seems to be a common thread. Which, of course, got me thinking, and we all know the kind of trouble my thinking can cause! But really, I can follow the trail right down to giving up some of the most basic, fundamental rights that I, as a human being, have just because I felt unworthy or un-entitled. The pretty, popular girl should get the better... whatever, you name it. Why? Why not? I certainly don't deserve it, surely she must. You want my seat? Sure! You want my pretty butterfly eraser? But of course! You want the recognition for the mutual project I completed on my own? Why not? You want the boy I like? Well, I'm sure he likes you more anyway. You want the very air I breath? Might as well, why should it be wasted on me? I'll never be pretty, popular, smart, or accomplished. I'm never going to make an impact on this world in any useful or meaningful manner. Why? Well, because I'm fat of course! I am stupid, dirty, smelly, and lacking self control. My thoughts and opinions couldn't possibly be valid, since I so obviously don't care enough about myself to put down that goddamned brownie and get off my fat, lazy ass. How could I ever feel entitled to live like I belong in this society if I can't even control some of my most basic human functions, what could I possibly add? I have settled in life, love, happiness, you name it, because I didn't feel like I could do, or deserve any better. I never bothered to try to fit in, I didn't to the big hair thing of the '80's because, #1 who was I to think that I could be like them? And they would have just made even more fun of me if I tried anyway. And #2, I was simply too fat and lazy to put forth the effort. I've never bothered to try to dress nicely or wear makeup with any regularity. What's the point, I'd still be fat. I was never enough of a priority for myself to even put forth the effort. And, frankly, no one ever expected more of me anyway, so why even bother?

You know what's funny? I still constantly forget that I am now an acceptable member of society. I am startled when people make eye contact with me, or ask my opinion out of genuine interest. I forget that I'm not still fat, and I often speak about myself as if I were. And, of course, I still behave as if I were as well. I still automatically put others' wants, needs, opinions, etc. above my own, because I still feel like I have no right them. Maybe it's because I am still that fat girl, whether I look like her or not. She is me, I am her. The behaviors I've learned as that fat girl did not just go away now that I'm considered "normal". That is 25 freaking years of conditioning right there, which cannot just be switched off now that I'm thin. And I still don't make an effort to fit in, even now. I don't wear makeup, I don't buy nice clothes. I'm not worth the money or time. I constantly allow myself to be run over, manipulated, and put down because I still feel inferior. No wonder I am willing to put up with what I do, I don't honestly believe I deserve any better, because underneath it all, I am still just that fat girl who's desperately looking for love and acceptance, and who is willing to put up with and do almost anything I can to get it. Geez, you think a little therapy may be in order here?

The skin I'm in.

Jilly, my dear sweet friend, I love you and appreciate your sound, thoughtful advice so much; thank you. I will, however, without going into the gory, shameful details, just leave you with the knowledge that walking away is simply not an option. It has been tried, along with numerous other completely reasonable reactions to his demanding behavior. Believe me, I didn't get to this point without at least some kicking and screaming! But the depths to which he is willing to go to prove his points and ensure my compliance are simply astounding.

Now, I'm going to move on because I'm realizing how completely selfish it is of me to continually bitch about my situation, remain unwilling to do anything about it, yet expect unconditional support from those who take the time out of their own busy lives to read this blog, and ask them to suppress any negative feelings or opinions they may have about it. Shame on me.

So, I was standing in front of my full length mirror, stripped nekkid before my shower, as I typically do, and checking out my bod, namely my skin. I am struck by it's soft, almost billowy quality, like a plush down comforter. I pick it up, push it aside, hold it taught, all in the hopes of catching some glimpse of what my body might have looked like had I never been fat. But it is impossible, no amount of tucking, pushing, holding, can disguise the deformity. It is just there, lying limp and useless against my thighs, abdomen, chest, and arms. I am drawn to it though, I can't seem to keep my hands off of it. I absentmindedly roll the excess skin under my arms and on my tummy between my fingers as I drive, sit , work, watch TV. I'm even doing it now as I read over what I've written thus far. I pull at it to see how far it will stretch, wrap it around my fingers, and stuff my hands under it like a warm, cozy blanket, it's a part of me. You know, it's hard to imagine that a body can have this much extra skin just hanging off of it like a worn out, deflated balloon, yet I know that it could have been so much worse, and it is for so many. Yes, it served it's purpose well, it held my bulging insides in, and when it seemed it couldn't possibly stretch any more, it always did. It was there for me when I needed it, and did it's job efficiently, so how do I work to repay it? Well, I belittle it and I look at it and pull at it with hate and disgust, that's how. I've heard some people say they proudly wear their excess skin after weight loss as a badge of honor, for a job well done and to remind them of where they've been. I think that's complete bullshit, but that's my opinion. Perhaps that's just their way of coming to terms with what they're left with, I dunno, but I do know I will never be able to look at it in that way. It's only purpose now is to remind me of how much I fucked up my body and health, and to make sure I never fill that skin back up with fat ever again. Maybe that's the real reason it's there, as a constant reminder to stay on top of my health and fitness, because I know all too well what will happen if I don't. I wonder, if I ever did get the opportunity to have it removed, would I think about my body and life differently somehow? Would I become complacent about my commitment to health if I weren't presented with a daily reminder of where my addictions and bad habits can lead? Hmmm, I imagine I may never know. Of course, I'd always assumed that my body and life would be different if I ever got skinny too, and we know how well that one worked out. Life goes on, no matter what size you are.

But, you know what else I saw in front of that mirror? Muscles, real honest to god muscles. I now have some kick-ass Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 arms, even if I am too chicken to show them in public. Beneath the loose skin on my tummy lies actual symmetrical bulges formed by my abdominal muscles. I swear there's got to be a six-pack under there, which, I'm sure would be visible if the skin were tight. My thighs, calves and even my ass are rock solid under all that skin. So, there is a muscular form under there, I am certain of that. By god there better be with all the freaking exercise I do! And that got me thinking; everything I'm doing is working to prevent me from heart disease, diabetes, osteoporosis, you name it, and I'm ensuring a long, physically fit life, barring any unforeseen disasters. So whether my improved physical health is apparent beneath the layers of skin or not, is beside the point. I have achieved my true goals, those of health, fitness, and improved quality of life. I did not set out on this journey to look smokin in a string bikini (as if I ever would have worn such a thing anyway, but the thought sure is nice!). No, I did this to make sure I would be around to raise my daughter and meet my grandchildren. I did this so I would never have feel the shame of not fitting into a movie theater, restaurant, or amusement park ride seat again. I did this so I could fall asleep at night without the constant worry of my sheer mass cutting off my airway, and dying in my sleep. I did this so I could have a second chance at life. Hmmm... it seems that I would actually get around to living this second chance at life now that I've been lucky enough to get one, don'tcha think? But like I've said before, I'm still just a work in progress. I will get there... someday.

Thanks Dawnyal, if only it were that simple. The truth of the matter is, my husband doesn't get disallowed from doing anything, unless he so chooses. In fact, if I ever did give that a try, not only would he do it more just to spite me or teach me a lesson, but I would also be subjected to a lengthy lecture on every single one of the points that makes me wrong or bad for doing such a thing in the first place. I know, pretty fucked up right? Don't ask me why I allow myself to continue on like this, our relationship is what it is. In fact, I can't help but take ownership for a lot of it since I fully believe that you teach others how to treat you, like Dr. Phil says. I did this to myself with each time I didn't voice my opinion and allowed myself to succumb to his will. It just got to be easier not to bother, and now this is what I'm left with.

Jilly... just send me the bill for your tongue stitches! Thanks for being my friend.

So, he actually entertained the idea of getting a night job to supplement our income a bit. We'll see how far he's willing to take that though. And get this, knowing my desperate desire for him to do so, he actually asked if I wanted him to try to get a "real job" in his field, just to make me happy. Well duh!! Of course I do, it's what I've always wanted! But then he countered it by saying, "even though it would make me soooo miserable and that you know it's not what I want to do, and of course we'd have to relocate since there's nothing like that for me here." My guess is that he was just feeling me out to see if I would be the supportive wife or not, since that's one of his major lecture points. Well, I guess he's trained me well, I bit my tongue like usual. I'm so pathetic and weak when it comes to him, it makes me want to vomit! You know, I'm really not like that (to this extent anyway) with anyone else. So why am I, with the most important person of all, my spouse? It kills me when I see other couples with the relationship I wish I had. You know, a partnership, 50/50 with mutual respect and compassion. That really isn't too much to ask, is it? Listen to me whining, poor me! Like I didn't do this to myself, as if I didn't make my own damn choices. God, I'm feeling cynical today! It's time I quit my bitching and get over it already. Okay, I'm done.

So, I got the low down on Em's real issues with Social Studies. Apparently, it's not that she doesn't understand it, it's that she's board and purposefully not paying attention! That little heifer! And she's even been reprimanded by her teacher for her lack of attention and participation in the question and answer sessions. All of this was frantically confessed to me when I told her of my intentions to meet with her teacher about finding ways to help her to grasp the material more easily. So, we had a big talk and she said knows that she's been slacking off. I reminded her of how special she feels when she gets singled out for a job well done and that this stuff is still her responsibility, regardless of how boring it may be. She was feeling badly, and more importantly, she was disappointed in herself, so she has promised a renewed interest and pride taken in her schoolwork, and says I can expect to see a vast improvement immediately, which is something I plan to hold her to. And when I asked her about it after school today, she said that she stayed completely focused and was able to answer all questions quickly and accurately. Aaaaand, she said her teacher had a progressively warmer smile for her with each new correct answer. Atta girl!

Now, a bit of alarming news. It seems there was quite a scare at school today, as was explained in a memo from the principal, sent home to all of the parents. Apparently, an unidentified man entered the school from an unknown location and roamed around the school without performing the mandatory office sign-in and receiving a name badge. As soon as this man was noticed in the building the entire school went into automatic lock-down which included the students and faculty lining up against the inside wall of their classrooms and sitting quietly with the lights out. What followed were several minutes of hushed, anxiety filled silence as the children crouched, expectedly awaiting word of an all clear. Luckily the intruder was quickly stopped and arrested for trespassing without incident. They believe that he may have been intoxicated or disoriented somehow, and actually meant no harm to anyone. Whew! I have to admit, as Em was describing the incident to me, I really kind of lost it. The thought of some strange man walking around her school while she cowered in terror, wondering just what his intentions could possibly be. I couldn't help but lose it, just as I can't help crying now as I recall the awful story. I mean, not only did I not know what was happening at the time, but I also couldn't have done a damn thing to save her from what ever might happen! Almost immediately, thoughts of Columbine and our own Jonesboro school shootings here in Arkansas several years ago frantically shot through my mind, and I realized just how easily we could have ended up on the 6:00 news. As my tears started to fall, her own sprang forth and she asked me, "Momma, why are you crying?" I explained that it was because I was scared and relieved that she was okay, all at the same time. So when she crumpled into my arms, she confided in me just how scared she really had been. And as we sat there together for a while, holding on to each other, almost as if for dear life, I couldn't help but think, my god, what would I do if anything ever happened to her? A thought just too painful to bear.

Bad day

I am so on the edge here. Feeling very overwhelmed with too many things coming at me at once. I spend so much time trying to block everything out and pretend everything is fine, but when one of the balls I have up in the air comes crashing down it seems like it brings everything else down with it. I know that I'm making a bigger deal out of things than I need to, but since I haven't been allowing myself to deal with anything, it makes dealing with the little things that much more difficult. I feel like everything is closing in on me and it's making me anxious and slightly nauseous. I'm having trouble concentrating and I'm trying desperately to hold myself together and just breathe because I know that it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it. My husband has finally closed down the fledgling computer store we worked so hard to start up last year. I've known it was coming for quite a while because he really has no business trying to own and operate his own business. His business practices are questionable at best and he absolutely cannot manage money of any kind (or taxes, bills, responsibilities, etc. for that matter) He somehow thinks it will all just work out magically and he'll never be held accountable for his actions and decisions. Usually when he starts a business, which he does a lot, he does so with a partner so he can have someone to dump the mess on when it invariably fails, which it always does. Anyway, things were okay for a while, as it usually is in the beginning, and we were getting some regular income. I, of course, made the mistake of getting used to a regular income, even though I should have known better based on our previous 10 years of marriage, but that's my problem. So when the income started dying out to almost nothing with any kind of regularity, and the bill collectors really started to get serious, he asked his parents to help us out by taking a loan for us which they've done once before. His real reason for this was that he had a couple of bank accounts in collections and couldn't start a new one (for a new business, of course) unless he paid off the bad ones first. So we got a $5,000.00 loan (and a new $230.00 a month loan payment bill) which we used to pay off some big chunks of bills in collections and to put in our own account to live on and get us a little ahead for a while. The idea is that since I get a regular income, then the money we left in the bank would give us extra padding as we added more of my income to it every two weeks when I get paid. And the bank account was to only be used to pay our bills and necessary household expenses. The money that he was still bringing home sporadically would be used for any of the "extras". Well, since that has pretty much dried up, he's started using our personal account to cover his "extras" (usually eating out and paying for his friends too) and some of his business expenses, saying that he's got money coming in from here and there and it would be put back very quickly. Well, I've still been paying the bills and buying the groceries like usual until I get the bank statement yesterday which showed our balance to be MUCH lower than it should have been, so I log on to our online account and realize that we now have a negative balance, and I've got the $230.00 loan payment check in the mail as I type! Apparently he's been using his debit card without regard and not bothering to tell me about it. Luckily we've got my latest paycheck that still needs to be deposited (TODAY!) so that will cover the loan payment and the car payment that needs to be paid. But after that, then what?! Where's all this freaking money he keeps saying is coming in to replenish the account? All that extra padding is now completely gone and since I don't actually earn enough to pay all the bills myself, it looks like we are screwed. This money was supposed to last so much longer than this, and give him a little time to get some money flowing again. So now what?! Yeah, I'm freaking out a bit. I know that it will work out somehow, it always does. But for someone who thrives on knowing what to expect and having a plan, well, this is just too much for me. I absolutely hate never feeling a sense of stability and security when it comes to finances (or with anything else for that matter). This just doesn't work for me, I'm not the type of person who can easily go with the flow and hope for the best, obviously.

Plus, on top of that, Em is having more frequent meltdowns. To say she doesn't handle stress well is an understatement to say the least (gee, I wonder where she gets that from?!) She's hating and dreading school lately, which I know is typical, but then she informs me this morning that she's having some major difficulty with Social Studies. She said she's just not getting it and hardly ever knows the answers when her teacher calls on her in class. Now my daughter is extremely intelligent and a very good student, but she's also a perfectionist and the fact that she doesn't feel like she's excelling at this is completely messing with her head. To be quite honest she's freaking out about it and allowing it to affect how she feels about the rest of her school experiences. She's too proud to ask the teacher for some extra help and I'm worried that this is just going to get her even more behind. So I'm going to try to schedule a meeting with her teacher to see if there's anything I can do to help her, or if there's any extra work we can do together to help her to "get it" better. I'm sure Em wouldn't want me to do this because it would embarrass her, but I feel like I've got to do something to help her so she doesn't stop believing in herself. There's got to be no shame in asking for help when you need it, and she needs to know that.

Anyway, my mind is just racing with all this and sooooo much more, and frankly, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm so glad I have a place to get it all out instead of just holding it in like usual, because I can already tell that it's helped just to write about it. Except that my urgent need to get it all down has caused me to put off some of my morning exercise and now my schedule is completely out of whack, which, of course, stresses me even further and causes more anxiety! Good grief, why am I so freaking high strung?!! It's like I can't even function without my regular routine, and when things happen to mess it up I completely fall apart. I only seem to be able to handle it when everything is running along smoothly and I can know what to expect ahead of time. Something's gotta give here, I just can't keep on like this. I have got to learn different ways to handle stress and unexpected problems, 'cause this just isn't working for me.

Plus, they still didn't have my goddamned cereal at WalMart so I ended up having to go elsewhere and pay way more! Alright, that's it, I give up!! Okay, not really, but I'm still not a happy camper! >:(

So I'm having some "issues" lately with Em's attitude and general lack of respect towards me as her mother. I realize that she completely takes me for granted, which frankly doesn't surprise me since she knows she can count on me for anything. I mean what mother isn't taken for granted, really? Anyway, I'm sure this is completely typical, especially of two females with totally different personalities, and one has to be the authority figure, but I feel like it's gotten out of hand and I need to regain control over the situation before it gets any worse. Geez, I don't even want to think about what her teen years are going to be like, ack!! Now, she doesn't have the same problem with my husband, but that doesn't surprise me either considering the control and fear he holds over her. She's even told me blatantly that she acts differently with me because she knows that punishments from me will be nowhere near as swift and harsh as my husband's. Which basically means that she knows she can get away with more from me. I understand why she tows the line with her father and not with me, she's afraid of him, and that's a very motivating factor in how she chooses to behave with him. She's not, however, afraid of me, which I am thankful for since I don't believe any child should have to be afraid of their own parents. But where does that leave me when it comes to being treated with the respect that I deserve? How do you instill the sense of respect in a child without using fear as a teaching tactic? I am at a loss here, and I don't really know what to try next. But I do know that it can't continue, so something has got to be done quick! I think I'm going to research some literature on the subject, maybe then I'll actually be able to make a decision at the stupid library!!

I went and got my grocery shopping done this morning. It's surprising just how much of the stuff I buy now needs refrigeration. It was almost all fresh fruits and veggies, poultry, milk, yogurt, etc. The only stuff from the middle aisles was the nasty junk that my husband requires like Speghettios w/ meatballs, (blah!) and the typical household items. And my coffee and cereal too of course! That reminds me, since when did my beloved Kashi Go Lean Crunch get so darn popular?? WalMart was out of it again today! Don't they know the anxiety it causes when I'm not sure if I can get my cereal fix or not? How cruel can they be?? JK! Hopefully they'll restock it tonight and I can pick some up tomorrow since I'm not completely out of it yet. But if they still don't have it tomorrow I'm gonna have to find it elsewhere, 'cause I gotta have me some Go Lean Crunch! YUM! I've actually taken to mixing it with the Kashi Puffs lately, so it's not quite so calorie dense and I can have a bit more to keep me filled me up. Pretty good stuff! Of course, they're never out of the puffs when you need them, now are they?? Anyway, the poor checker must have thought me completely fanatical based on the sheer amount of yogurt I had in my basket! I've never seen someone buy and eat as much yogurt as me. It really is quite ridiculous, but hey, if that is one of my only vices (aside from my rampant coffee addiction) then I think I'm doing okay. It's funny too, considering that I used to despise yogurt, I couldn't stand the stuff! But, like they say, tastebuds change. Now I don't think I could live without it! Double YUM!

Hmmm, have you ever noticed just how much time I spend talking about freaking food here?! WTF! I wonder if my life will ever not be totally consumed with thoughts of food? It's got to get easier doesn't it? Now that I've got somewhat of a handle on this weight loss/maintenance thing, don'tcha think my obsession with the stuff could at least lessen a bit? I mean, am I gonna be 80 freakin years old, sittin in my rocking chair, just thinking about when I can get my next food fix? That's no way to live! There's got to be a way to get a grip on what is driving the thoughts in the first place. Or maybe, since I'm obviously wired this way, it's something that I'll always have to contend with no matter what I do. I mean, I know that I'm always going to have an abnormal relationship with food, which I believe is an actual addiction or disease just like drug or alcohol addiction, but it seems like it should at least be possible learn new behaviors or re-wire my brain with enough time and practice, right? Hmmm, I wonder if an alcoholic ever stops craving a drink? Good question...

Well, I think my most recent ongoing headache stretch may have finally come to an end. YAY! I'm feeling pretty good today, and I'm hopeful it won't decide to come back later. *fingers crossed* Last night we played miniature golf with another couple at Playworld, and I am proud to say that I am the new mini golf champ of the world!! Okay, maybe not the world, but I seriously kicked some ass last night! Aaaaand... my little Emmy-pie came in second! She was so proud of herself, especially since she was playing against all adults. She did so great! Overall it was a good night, and the weather was fabulous. It's finally starting to cool down in the evenings now, thank goodness! There was little to no humidity and a nice breeze, so everyone was completely comfortable in short sleeves and I only needed a light jacket, which is just how I like it. I'm glad summer if finally coming to an end, even though I know I'm gonna be freezing constantly during the coming fall and winter, I still despise being too hot. I am seemingly unable to regulate temperature correctly in my body. I've always had a problem with not perspiring enough to cool my body effectively when I'm hot, which means I almost immediately go into heat exhaustion even with very little exposure. Luckily, this problem has lessened some with the weight loss, since it's so hard for my body to even get warm anymore, but this, of course, leads to the other end of the spectrum where I am constantly cold. It's been very difficult to find a happy medium with me, but I am getting used to it and I won't complain (too much ;D). I figure it's a small price to pay considering the alternative. I'd still rather be cold than hot though, since you can always put more clothes on to warm up, but you can't always just take 'em all off when you're too hot. Well, I guess you could... but others may not be so appreciative of that concept! :0

Anyway, I took Em to the park and the library today. What a great park day! Awesome weather, cool breeze, bright and sunny, and I guess everyone else thought so too, the place was packed! Em ran around like a mad woman, expending vast amounts of pent up energy, and trying to work up the nerve to slide down the fireman's pole the right way rather than sitting down first before grabbing on. She didn't quite make it this time, (she inherited my deathly fear of heights) but says she's gonna keep trying (when she's a little bigger!) Oh well, maybe next time. Plus, just the fact that she went down it at all, sitting or otherwise, was a major accomplishment in itself. Baby steps, baby steps. Then, at the library, she picked up one of her beloved Goosebumps books that she's been dying to read, but they haven't had until now, so that made her day. I scoured around for something good to read too, but my inability to make a decision for myself when confronted with too many options, once again proved to be a nuisance. I like to see a review or get a recommendation from someone before I actually read a new book, just so I know what I'm getting myself into. Yea, I've never exactly been accused of being a risk taker! Hmmm, go figure.

Right now, Em's new friend Cheryl from down the street is over to play, in fact they are digging into Em's birthday Floam as I type, creating something magnificently crafty, I'm sure. Cheryl is a sweet girl, she 9 (1 year older than Em) and in the fourth grade at Em's school, but she could easily pass for 12 or 13. Em is tall for her age, but Cheryl is probably about two heads taller than her, and sadly, very overweight. She reminds me a lot of myself at her age. I was always one of the tallest and biggest girls in school, or even the boys, now that I think of it. And I just cringe when I think of what the future may hold for this dear child. If it's anything like my own childhood, it will be filled with ruthless teasing and almost relentless torment just for being "the fat girl". Exactly the kind of childhood that I am so determined to shield Emily from. I just can't stand the thought of her going through what I did as a child, but on the other hand, I want to make sure she doesn't become one of the tormenters either. That's why I try so hard to teach her acceptance and tolerance of others. I want her to have compassion and innately know that beauty comes from within. And I think I'm doing a good job of it so far, (I hope) but really, only time will tell. At any rate, Em sees her new friend as a girl who loves to play Bratz just like her, nothing more, nothing less. Yeah, I think I can live with that.

To eat or not to eat...

I'm not doing so well today, damn headache! It's all I can do to keep from eating, eating, eating. I'm sitting here watching the clock, waiting til it's been long enough since my last snack because I know I don't actually need to eat, I just want to eat. So I'm not gonna give into self-medicating with food just 'cause I don't feel good, I'm gonna tell myself to get over it already and wait til lunch time, 'cause that's what I gotta do. Not feeling good is no excuse, if it were then I'd never do anything I didn't feel like doing, which is pretty much everything! So, I'll sit here and ramble on and wait for the minutes to tick by, while retaining some sense of normalcy in the schedule that I live by. Another problem is that I'm not working either. Yes, I have plenty to do to keep me occupied, but I'm completely avoiding responsibility 'cause I just don't feel like doing anything. Luckily (or unluckily as it may be) I have an extremely laid back work from home job with little to no urgency or accountability. Although I do take great pride in doing my job well, and am normally very on top of things, on days like this I tend to take full advantage of the freedom this job allows me. I feel very lucky and grateful for this job even though it is completely unfulfilling, because it gives me the opportunity to be fulfilled in other more important areas, like being here for Em before and after school, on school holidays and all summer long. Not a lot of moms get to enjoy this kind of freedom while still earning a living, and for that I am truly grateful. Okay, 28 more minutes until lunch time...

I am anxiously awaiting the season premier of Survivor tonight, YAY!! But I heard something about a presidential address tonight so I wonder if it will be preempted?? I hope not! I mean, I understand the need to hear from our country's leader, but good grief, doesn't he know it's Survivor night?!! Tee hee, shame on me! But really, I hate it when they cut into my favorite shows for stuff that's not an actual emergency. Dawnyal, I know you can relate, those damn weather people!! ;D I feel ya girl, we're the ones who get all of ya'lls left over thunderstorms and tornadoes. Anyway, back to my point, I know we need to know about anything major that's happening, but just because the man is speaking, it doesn't require a live primetime feed! 'Cause you know they're just gonna replay all the important points on the news that night anyway, so c'mon already!! Okay, now it's 14 minutes and counting.

Geez, I really ought to be doing something! So, we didn't watch Hitchhicker's Guide To The Galaxy last night. We opted to skip renting a movie, and just watched one we already have. Rush Hour with Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. It was funny and actiony, but I've seen it before so I still chose to read instead. Fat Girl is heart wrenching, how could this woman not have grown up hating herself, she almost had no other choice. But the fact that she continues with the self-hatred is her choice now. She seems to be a very cynical, bitter woman. With good reason, yes, but I'm sure not much fun to be around. Anyway, I'll go into more detail about my thoughts of this book once I've finished it.

I made a totally yummy stir-fry last night!! The fam wanted grilled steak pieces with rice, corn, and cheese & tomato slices. So I threw together a little stir-fry using some of these ingredients for myself. It had broccoli slaw, spinach, onion, carrots, celery, green onion, red bell pepper, 1/2 c. rice, 1/4 c. corn and meat. I sauteed it in some Pam cooking spray with generous amounts of crushed red pepper, cajun seasoning, garlic powder and black pepper. YUMMERS! It was fab-u-lous!! Mmmmmm! Okay, damn it, it's close e-freaking-nough, I'm having some lunch NOW!! I'll be back...

Okay, now that my tummy is happy and I've had a chance to stir up some trouble at 3fc, ;D I think I can concentrate and actually get some work done, even if my stupid head is still killing me! I certainly don't mean to cause trouble, and I hope nobody takes offense, but I'm feeling more and more driven to voice my opinion when I feel strongly on a subject (something I never used to do before). But I always try to do it in the most gentle way possible, 'cause the last thing we need is a bunch of fat (or formally fat) chicks getting in a cyber cat-fight over a difference of opinions. We've been through that before, it's not pretty! Anyway, that's enough rambling for now, I'm off to take care of responsibilities, yippie!!

Wednesday

Not a lot going on today. It's a rainy, quiet, blah kind of day. I think we're gonna rent The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy tonight since Bub says he doesn't have any plans and I've got to find something to keep everyone occupied. It should be cute, but not really my thing. I'm currently reading Fat Girl: a true story by Judith Moore, so I'll probably just read while the movie is playing. I only just picked it up from the library yesterday (I'd had to order it previously) and have read about the first five chapters or so. It's been quite blunt so far, no sugar coating here, and although I haven't really gotten to it yet, I know from the overview and the ladies at 3fc, that it delves into some pretty major mental and physical abuse at the hands of the author's mother. I realize that it's going to be a difficult read for me, but I love any type of true human interest story, regardless of how painful it may be. So, stay tuned for a full review when I'm finished!

So, I've been feeling incredibly stupid lately, and here's why. I always try to assist Em with her homework, (if she needs my assistance, that is) or just sit with her while she does it and check it when she's finished. But lately, and I don't know if it's just me or if this stuff really is getting harder, I've been having some trouble grasping all of it! And this is just the THIRD GRADE!! Admittedly, I'm no whiz in the academic arena, never have been, but this is ridiculous! I'm finding a lot of the instructions on the worksheets she brings home ambiguous at best, and frankly, I've been at a loss to help her more times than I care to admit. This, of course, causes her to become completely frustrated while she sits there and waits for stupid 'ol mom to figure out what the hell they're talkin about so I can then explain it to her! Good grief! I realize that teaching styles, materials, and subjects have changed greatly since I attended elementary school, but the basic concepts should still remain, shouldn't they? WTF am I gonna do when this stuff really gets hard? I'm sure it will be better on both of us mentally and emotionally if I just employ the service of a tutor when the going really gets tough, 'cause I think we may end up killing each other if she has to rely solely on my shockingly limited mental capacity when it comes to such subjects as Algebra and Trig in the years to come. Poor dear, I imagine she'll end up having to teach me all of the useless crap that I never bothered to learn while in school out of self defense. Good lord, I don't think I'm ready for this! At least I still have a few years before we hit the stuff that I'm not gonna be able to fumble my way through. Good thing kids usually think their parents are the most ignorant beings on earth, maybe she'll never catch on to just how little I really do know!!

Anyway, I'm gonna cut this one short. Errands to run, dinner to cook, etc. A mom's work is never done!

I hate titles, how about "just stuff"?!

Damn it! I allowed myself to become engrossed in one of the 9/11 documentaries while channel surfing Sunday night. And as I sat there with tears streaming down my face, I kept thinking, "why do I do this to myself?" I know how it's gonna affect me, yet I re-live it anyway, why? It's like that scene in Steel Magnolias where the women have gathered just after the funeral and they run the gamete of emotions from desperate rage to belly aching laughter. And I know that each and every time I watch it, I'm gonna end up doing the ugly cry whether I like it or not, and more often than not, end up with a horrible headache. So what do I do when I catch it on TV? I sit there and watch the whole damn thing, cry my eyes out, pop some Excedrin and try to make it through the rest of my day without blubbering like a total idiot again. Oy vei!

I had a horrible headache Monday. I seem to go through stretches now where they last for several days in a row and then I'm fine for a while. This is such a vast difference from before the weight loss, when practically every day was filled with pain. Now the severity is not as bad, nor do they last as long. But, when they do occur, it still sucks monkey butt!! Oh well, at least I was able to get in my morning stint on the Gazelle before it got too bad, and it did subside later that day, only to show back up again this morning, but not nearly as bad.

Em got her birthday thank you cards written and were mailed off Monday. I love how she put a personal message specifically about the gift(s) she received in each one, and even drew a few pictures to illustrate her immense pleasure with her gifts. She is such a creative little girl, and will almost never pass up the opportunity to draw a pretty picture for a loved one. I suspect she's on her way to becoming quite a talented little artist since her ability is already so apparent. Of course, I'm not at all biased about the artistic abilities of my genius only child, now am I?? tee hee! ;)

We were not able to tackle the mountain of toys in her room that need to be sorted and sent off to Goodwill like I wanted to this weekend. Em has been such a little social butterfly lately with the birthday parties of friends and the seemingly endless playdates with the girls down the street. But I really don't mind, I love that she has friends to play with now. She seemed to be getting so lonely and bored, and now she totally lights up whenever they show up to play. It really warms my heart since I've been stressing lately about her being an only child and not having other kids around to play with. I also love that she's found some friends with more acceptable social skills. I've mentioned before about the two sisters (the ones who are home schooled and had such a miserable birthday party in July) who came over to play every Wednesday this summer. Well, I believe that because of their sheltered environment and, dare I say, neglectful care, their social skills and understanding of appropriate behavior leave much to be desired. Unfortunately, they've been over-sexualized at some point, and while I don't suspect abuse, I do believe that appropriate boundaries regarding sexuality have never been enforced. So, when they "play Bratz" with Emmy, their games are often centered around inappropriate contact between the male and female dolls. Now, I'm fully aware that play-acting in this way is completely normal, I know I had my own Barbies gettin busy as a child, but these girls tend to take it entirely too far. So much so in fact, that Emmy confided in me how uncomfortable it made her feel and had to ask me several questions to clarify what she had witnessed. Anyway, after much discussion, I decided to leave it up to her whether she continue to play with them or not since I am completely confidant in her willingness to come to me with problems or questions regarding their behavior, which she has done on numerous occasions. However, I did tell her that if the behavior continued, I would have to intervene regardless of how well she was handling it, and she promised to tell me if she wasn't able to get them to stop. Apparently she took care of bidness because when I questioned her again she explained that they changed their tune real quick when she told them she wouldn't let them come over to play on Wednesdays anymore if they didn't. She also told them they weren't allowed to curse around her anymore, since they apparently did so frequently. You go Em, that's my girl!! So... the point I was meaning to make is that Em is very pleased that these new playmates of hers like to play just like she does, and she's never had to deal with them crossing the line in their play-acting with the Bratz. In fact she seemed relieved and kind of surprised at her new friends' apparent normalcy, almost like she'd forgotten that kids can just play without all that uncomfortable ickyness. She's been able to relax her vigilant drill sergeant routine, and just have some fun! Yay!!

Oh! An update on my Grandma, SHE'S HOME!! Her doc says they're gonna wait on any surgeries she may need until she's had a chance to regain her strength, and he's allowing her to do so at home! I knew they wouldn't be able to get her in some nursing home, those are for old people!! Not spry, 87 year old, dirty joke tellin, young'uns like her! Double yay!!

Updates

Thanks Jilly, I know I'm being hard on myself (especially about Emmy) but sometimes it does feel so hopeless (when I let it). I imagine it must drive you nuts to not be able to shake me and say, "What are you doing? Get out of there!". Thank you for being my friend and respecting my wishes. I don't think a lot of people would be able to and that's one of the reasons why I never share this part of my life with others. Again, your unconditional support means more to me than you'll ever know.

It looks like the sick little kitten, who we've now named Precious, is gonna make it! She is frail and weak, but definitely on the mend. She's been able to take a few shaky steps today and is happily drinking her nutrient enriched kitten formula with much more vigor than before. The two remaining healthy kittens are now fully weaned and liter box trained, and ready to be relocated to happy new homes. I imagine we'll be keeping Precious for quite a bit longer, perhaps indefinitely, but we'll see.

Just a note on the topic of Whiskers' (aka: Gracie's) previous owner. I have the feeling that she was never quite considered a treasured family pet, thus the lack of interest in her return. Just the fact that neither the girl or her parents have made any effort to contact us, leads me to believe that they're not particularly torn up about losing her in the first place. Our initial alarm at the prospect of giving up our beloved Whiskers has now subsided, and we've been able to breath a collective sigh of relief. Whew, thank goodness!

My mom says grandma is doing much better. She's been able to eat some broth and Jello and the like. While it's not been much, and still nothing solid, at this point anything is better than nothing, right? No word yet on the nursing home scenario, and I remain hopeful that it will not have to come to that.

On a final note, I just can't let the day pass by without some mention of 9/11. It's so hard to believe that it's been four years ago already. I guess it's true what they say, that time does heal all wounds. And while those more personally impacted by this fateful day may not be able to agree with me quite yet, I know that I am at least able to think of it without automatically crying anymore, which is saying a lot. I've been trying to stay away from the television specials and documentaries that are so prevalent right now. I just don't want to go back to that place of horror and despair if I don't have to, like I did in the previous years. I decided that I will remember in my own way this time, without the horrific images and disturbing emotions they always conjure up. It seems so surreal now, doesn't it? At the time I remember thinking; how can we ever move past this? And here we are now, four years later... life does, indeed, go on. It's hard to believe right now, but the same will eventually hold true for Katrina victims/survivors as well, regardless of how impossible it may feel. This world has weathered many unimaginable horrors, and unfortunately, has yet to weather so many more. But somehow, we as a people, always manage to prevail, and I have to believe that we always will.

Bah humbug!

I used to dream about how life would be perfect if I just wasn't fat anymore. Or about how all my problems would be solved if I could just win the lottery or something. If only this were different, if only that were different, life would be great. Life would be great. But these "things" do not make a great life, only I can make a great life. You see people who look like they have it all, perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, etc. And I guess some people really do have it all, or believe they do anyway, (which is all that really matters, as long as they believe it, right?) but the truth is, most of these people are probably putting on a show, just like me. And thinking to themselves, "Wow, so and so really has it all. If only this were different, if only that were different, my life would be perfect too." Or maybe we all know it's really just a facade, yet we go around pretending we don't see the truth because that's what we're "supposed" to do. And most people, if you call 'em on it, will deny it to the hilt. "Nooooo, everything's perfect! (Why do you ask?!!! How are you seeing straight through me?!!!) Perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, etc., whaddya talkin 'bout?! (Is it really that obvious?!! What am I not doing a good job of covering up?!!!) Hmmm, I'm in a funk, (as if it wasn't obvious) it's been a bad couple of days and I'm dwelling on my "only if's" today. I don't even know how to explain what it takes to get through a day (especially the bad ones) with Bub (DH). I call him Bub, as in "Bubba". Not that this was ever his name or even a nickname, just something I've always called him for some reason. I'm sad that I'm now having to teach Em how to deal with him so she can avoid setting him off too. She doesn't deserve this. She sees that not all daddies are like hers, and often wonders why hers has to be the way he is. That just breaks my heart, what the fuck am I supposed to say? I just wish she had a stronger mommy that could be a good role model for her. I so want her to be a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself and not take any shit off a partner who claims to love her. But how can she ever learn that without an appropriate example to follow? Like I said, she deserves better than this.

We've lost another kitten and a third is veeeery ill. Even after a late night run to the emergency vet clinic a few towns away, we have no idea what is causing them to die. We had Whiskers tested for feline leukemia and feline AIDS (I didn't even know there was such a thing!) as a possible cause for the kittens' premature demise, but both tests came back negative, thank goodness!! And yesterday we took the sick little kitten to our regular vet, but we still didn't get any answers there. He gave us some antibiotics because he thinks it might be some kind of viral infection, but he's just not sure, and he gave her some fluids to help re-hydrate her as well. He was literally shocked when we said she was looking better now than she had been previously. And none of us know if the poor little thing is gonna make it or not, but we are hopeful since it really does seem stronger now.

My Grandma (my favorite dirty joke connection) has been admitted to the hospital. Initially they thought it was gall bladder probs, but have since discovered that it's an infection in her pancreas. She had been unable to keep anything down for several days and was severely dehydrated, but she is a stubborn old broad and didn't want anybody fussing over her, so she allowed it to get more out of hand than I think she intended. She is doing better now, but will have to remain hospitalized until the infection has cleared up. Then she may possibly face a brief nursing home stay while she fully recuperates. Now let me just explain, this is one fiercely independent, no nonsense kind of lady, and in excellent health for her age. So the idea that she may need nursing home assistance is, well... startling to say the least. I think the realization may have just hit me that my grandma will, in fact, not live forever. Of course, I knew that, but just haven't thought about it much til now.

Damn, what a sucky post. But tomorrow is a new day, and this too shall pass.

The party was a success!

Emmy is better now, she seems to understand that this is a natural process, that of living and dying, and I hope that she now has a sense that this was how it was meant to be, however painful or unfair it was. She's tough, she's a child, she's put it behind her and has moved on to much more pleasant things. Namely, her 8th. birthday party. Which was a smashing success if I do say so myself! They skated and played, gorged themselves on cake a popcorn, played arcade games and won tickets that could be cashed in for prizes, and had an overall wonderful time. We even got several of the adults out there on roller skates as well! Now that was a sight to see! I, myself, am skating challenged, so I did not participate. But my husband did get our there and I must admit, I think I enjoyed watching him bust his ass a little more than I may have had the right to! Tee hee, now that was priceless! ;D Emily, of course, made out like a bandit, and has been happily playing with all of her new toys ever since the big day.

On that note, I simply cannot get over how unbelievably lucky my daughter is to have so many family and friends who made it a point to make this the most special day possible for her. She was lavished with well thought out gifts aimed directly toward her specific interests and desires, and she was beside herself with joy. We talked extensively later, as we tediously labored to release the toys from their plastic imprisonment, about just how fortunate she really is, and how grateful she must feel, when so many others are so much less fortunate. I think it really sank in when she was recalling the birthday party of her two little friends, which was so shabbily and cheaply thrown together almost as if it were an afterthought on the parents' part. When she compared it to her own party, she kept repeating how she always thought her kind of party was normal, that every kid had parties like that. Then the point was driven home even further when the two little girls from down the street (the ones who first informed us of Whisker's previous life) showed up after we had everything opened and scattered about the living room floor. They just couldn't get over how much cool stuff she got for her birthday. They went on and on about how lucky she was and how they wished their own birthdays were so spectacular. I do believe my Emmy was completely humbled by the realization that she has been leading a very enchanted life thus far, one that so many children can only dream of. I also hope that the seed of charitable giving has now been firmly implanted into her psyche. I've been trying to stress the idea of always helping those less fortunate than yourself, and I am hopeful that this realization will remain with her as new opportunities to give back present themselves throughout her life.

At any rate, she's already mentioned sending thank you notes to each of her guests, so we'll probably get started on that tonight. And she feels it's about time to overhaul her toybox again to see what needs to be donated, so that will be a project for this weekend. Busy, busy!!

Sad news.

Sorry Jilly, the original owner's friends (the girls who actually came here in person) said that she would love to have a kitten in Whisker's place. My only problem with this (and why I didn't mention it sooner) is that she is very young (approx. 5) and I have not yet heard anything from a responsible adult who will ultimately be the determining factor. So... we're hopeful that things will work out for the best, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Now, for some sad, sad news. We've lost one of the kittens. Her name was Drama Queen, (due to the incessant mewing!) a multi-colored Calico who was just six weeks and two days old. We've noticed that she was on the smallish side in the last few weeks, but really thought nothing of it, assuming she was just the "runt". But it looks as though it just wasn't getting enough nourishment. She went downhill very quickly, in the matter of hours. Em noticed her lethargy and labored breathing at around 6:00 Friday evening, unfortunately, too late to take her to the Vet. The emergency Vet clinic said her only hope was to get her to feed. So we rushed to WalMart for some kitten formula and a tiny little bottle, but by the time we got back she wasn't even strong enough to suckle. I tried desperately to get her to swallow a few drops that I squeezed into her mouth, but it was just too late. She took her final jagged breath at around 10:00, let out one last sigh, and then quietly ascended up to kitten heaven where all the other "runts" were just waiting for her to come play with them (all this according to my devastated birthday girl). "Why today momma?" she asked with big 'ol crocodile tears running down her cheeks. "Why Drama Queen, my favorite one?" I dunno baby, I dunno. Part of life is death, it's just nature's way to ensure that only the strongest survive. Not much solace for a heartbroken child, I know, but how else could I explain the unfairness of it all? I assured her that there was nothing that could have been done. Although small, it was active and showing absolutely no signs of distress as early as Thursday evening. The simple truth is that it wasn't meant to be, regardless of how harsh or unfair it is. She has been able to take some comfort in the idea that the kitten knew Em loved her deeply, and that she's probably up there telling all the other runts about this wonderful girl who took such good care of her, and who she will miss with all her heart. But last night was hard, as she lay cradled in my arms crying broken-hearted tears, I ached to take away her pain, to shelter her from the unfairness, but knowing there was nothing I could do except hold her and tell her it would be better soon, to just give it some time. But what is "some" time to a child with a broken heart?

Em's B-day

Today is my baby's birthday- she's turning 8. We're not having her party until Monday (Labor Day) though, due to scheduling problems with some of the guests. We wanted to make sure all the kids she invited would be able to come since they're the ones she's most interested in anyways! The party is being held at our local roller rink, which also has an incredible playmaze. People have been asking what she wants, as if the child doesn't already have everything! I said I was thinking of digging some toys out of the bottom of her toy box, re-wrapping them, and offering them as brand new, like she would ever know the difference!! I don't guess that would go over too well though would it? Anyway, I picked her up some Floam, which she's been begging for, ever since she first saw the commercial for it, and this new Bratz doll, which she's absolutely going to flip her lid over! (I can't wait!) There are also a few other things she’s been asking for, but nothing nearly as exciting, so I won't list them all out. And I know my mom is getting her a gift certificate to the Build A Bear Workshop, which she's been pestering us to take her to for about a year now, so she's gonna absolutely love that! Shame on us over-indulgent adults! Oh well, her birthday only comes around once a year. But that doesn't really explain why we spoil her rotten the other 364 days of the year, now does it?! :D Anyway, I'm hopeful that everything goes smoothly (no drama please!) and that she's able to enjoy a wonderful, happy, peaceful birthday celebration.

Emmy has already put in the request for what she would like for her birthday dinner tonight. Here we go: (BTW, she is soooo my daughter!) Fettuccini Alfredo, baked chicken breasts, cheese garlic bread and corn. Sounds pretty darn good to me! Of course, I’ll be practicing stringent portion control, passing on the bread and corn, and opting for a nice big salad instead. I'd also like to get her a cupcake for dessert but DH has a "thing" about only celebrating holidays and birthdays at one time, (he doesn't believe there should be multiple celebrations just for convenience sake) which in this case will be her party on Monday, so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't approve. But I'm going to try to do something special anyway to acknowledge this being her actual birthday. Maybe if I didn't put a candle in it, just offered a cupcake for dessert, it wouldn't constitute a violation? I dunno, but I'd like to get her a balloon too, hmmmm, we'll see.


DH's presence has been almost intolerable the last two days. It's been less oppressive for the past week or two, but the last two days, he's been in "a mood" which means he’s been overly self-defensive, increasingly hard to please, and generally argumentative. Sometimes I think he intentionally seeks out a good sparring match in an effort to boost his ego, since he knows he'll always win. I hate games. I am so over high school bullshit drama. But I've noticed that his family seems to thrive on it, so even though he says he can't stand it either, I think it's so deeply ingrained in him that he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Okay, that's enough, I'm not gonna waste any more of my time bitching about this today, it's really just not worth it.